


Fragile Souls

by monbae



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Brief Mention of Suicidal Tendencies and Homophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Explicit Sexual Content, Insecurity, M/M, Second Chances, There is a slightly bigger age gap between them!!!, Tragic Background Stories, Unresolved Romantic Tension, college-student!Juyeon, single father!Hyunjae
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:55:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28136559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monbae/pseuds/monbae
Summary: Hyunjae is left alone to take care of his daughter after the mother of the child leaves them without a word. On top of that, he definitely doesn't plan to fall helplessly for the beautiful college student living next door to them. And Juyeon is just an average guy with a more tragic than happy background story, who just wants to save Hyunjae just like he saved him years ago.(important: read A/N)
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon, past! Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/ Lee Sangyeon, past! Lee Juyeon/Son Youngjae | Eric
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	1. HJ: The Other

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: i've deleted my old account probably a week or so and i've done it impulsively. but here i am reuploading it bc i thought about it (hah ...) and i think the people who have enjoyed reading it until now should have the chance to read it from the beginning to the very end

Iseul is at the kindergarten while Hyunjae takes the day off to have their stuff moved into the new apartment he had bought for themselves. It’s a small place with a tiny living room and an even smaller bath and kitchen; a room for him and one for Iseul. 

There is not enough space and he feels the walls closing rapidly around him as soon as the room fills with boxes upon boxes. And there are still a lot of things that need to be moved but he simply cannot move faster. He is close to a serious breakdown, tears already burning his eyes as he starts to suffocate slowly with the thought of how hard it will be for the two of them for the next few months. How everything needs too much time to settle down. Time to adjust to the new environment. Time to correctly memorize the faces and names of their new neighbors. Time to recover from the dull pain his child’s mother caused for him. 

And there is Iseul. 

Iseul with her bright smile, wide curious eyes, and soft dark hair cascading over her fragile shoulders. His entire world locked into her loud giggles, deep dimples, and rosy cheeks. Hyunjae would give up his entire life for her anytime; that’s probably why he never had the time to properly hate the woman who took her things one day and left without a word. Still, he would never forgive her for making the child cry. 

It was the only time Hyunjae saw his daughter cry and never again. Never again because he never wanted to see her cry and never again because she never cried after that moment - from which both of them moved one quite fast to Hyunjae’s surprise. It was a day filled with her relentless cries and his silent curses of unspoken promises and unasked questions. That was a month ago and Iseul didn’t ask for her mother anymore, somehow the woman ceased to exist for her the moment she stepped out of their home.

_Home_ which from today is something totally different than what it was yesterday.

Hyunjae remembers the sour expression on Iseul’s face when he locked the door today morning for the last time. How she only looked back just once, staring hard at the closed door, her eyes shining the darkest he had ever seen. She said goodbye in such a cold manner that even Hyunjae got jealous of those harsh emotions manifesting in that tiny, delicate body of hers, leaving him almost empty because all that he could feel at that moment was pure pity. For who, he didn’t know. 

What pulls him out of his thoughts is the repeated loud knock against the opened front door, echoing through their still empty apartment. Hyunjae puts the box he forgot in his arms down, already anxious about the encounter with some stranger. What he doesn’t expect however is the slightly taller but younger looking guy standing at the door with two of Hyunjae’s boxes balanced between his chest and left arm, the other hanging by his side. Before he has the chance to ask the other what he wants, he is given a soft smile that leaves him breathless, and the question dies on his lips. 

“Hey, these are yours, right?” he asks and Hyunjae just nods stupidly. “Sorry, they were blocking the way and I couldn’t get my bike because of them.”

“I’m so sorry, forgive me,” he says, takes the boxes away, so caught up in the idea of disturbing the other, that he doesn’t feel the gentle touch of the other’s hand on his own. “No one wanted to help me with the moving and I’m really angry for not moving fast enough. Again, sorry for blocking your way.”

He can’t move fast enough because of a sprained ankle.

He does it all alone because he has nobody to ask for help.

“If you want, I can help you carry them, I have,” here he looks at his watch, then back Hyunjae, “half an hour to spare.”

Hyunjae’s first reaction is to deny the offered help, but if he remains stubborn his right ankle will be in pain much longer than he preferably wants, putting him at disadvantage at almost everything; so he swallows the refuse that’s stuck in his throat and smiles at the other.

“If it’s really okay for you, then I would really appreciate the help.”

The guy smiles again, his eyes hiding behind those endearing crescents.

“I’m going to bring them upstairs, you just have to take them inside,” he says, turning around and disappearing down the stairs, not waiting for Hyunjae’s protest. If he saw him limping - although Hyunjae tries his best not to -, doesn't mention it and Hyunjae is grateful for it. But before he can turn around and move the boxes he took from him, the other is already back, another three boxes in his arms. 

It takes them no more than fifteen minutes to get all the boxes in the middle of the living room, the small couch pushed against the wall. 

“I have to go now, but let me know if I can help you with anything else until your ankle is healed perfectly,” and without waiting to hear Hyunjae’s answer, he takes his backpack from next to the door and vanishes around the corner, the front door shutting gently after him. 

Hyunjae stays still in the middle of the living room, next to one high tower of boxes with a small one still in his hands, which trembles slightly with the delicate heat from when the other touched it when he took the boxes away. The calmness that enveloped him, his soothing aura made Hyunjae relax just a little bit. His dark blue hair, catlike smile just made him, even more, softer, wanting to hug him and be hugged by him; to disappear in those arms and just stop existing for a while. 

However, that is just a daydream of fifteen minutes and Hyunjae doesn’t have the luxury to dream, because he’s not a college kid waiting for life to happen. No, he is a 28 years old grown-up man with a 4 years old daughter to care of and a nine-to-five job that helps him pay the bills. He is nothing unusual and he likes it that way. 

(His father died in a car accident when he was just a few months old and his mother gave him up right after. He spent the first eighteen years of his life at an orphanage, not far away from the border of his hometown. Hyunjae is used to the thought that in one moment or another everyone who should love him only abandons him.)

He sorts through the boxes. Iseul’s things in the smaller room, his in the bigger one. A few boxes go in the kitchen, two others in the bathroom, and the remaining five stay in the middle of the living room. 

After he unpacks the ones in the kitchen, he makes a mental note to not forget the shopping after picking Iseul up from kindergarten, because besides the utensils, Iseul’s cereal boxes and coffee, they have absolutely nothing. He cleans the bathroom and organizes their stuff, the mental list increasing with a detour to the pharmacy and beauty store, because they are out of painkillers, toothpaste and shampoo too.

The boxes in the living room stay closed and will probably do it for the time being. He should throw them out anyway. They’re filled with the last of _her_ things, what she didn’t manage to take with herself. Maybe he will throw them in the trash before he goes after Iseul, sprained ankle be damned. It will be the last time Hyunjae will suffer because of that woman. 

He skips lunch and unpacks Iseul’s stuff, arranging her clothes neatly, and makes her bed, covering it with all the stuffed animals she collected through the years. He bought the majority of them, always wanting to fill up the empty space he left through the days. And he memorized every single moment when he gave it to her. How her already big eyes became even bigger; how her whole face lit up, smiling from ear to ear, dimples appearing in the corner of her lips. She cherishes each and every one of them like they were her own personal treasure.

⚬

He locks the door behind himself, takes three out of the five boxes in his hands, and carefully walks down the stairs, losing his balance only six times, heartbeat way faster and louder than he wants. He doesn’t hear the door opening and closing, he only feels the warmth of familiar hands covering his own. He is stuck on the last step of the stairs, unable to move forward. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

He takes advantage of not getting seen because of the towering boxes, face flushing with a pretty shade of pink, the heat on his hands intensifying with the pressure put on them. And Hyunjae really wants to just drop those boxes and have the other hug him, to feel those hands closed on him; on his back, around his waist, to feel their weight on his shoulders, to have them smooth down his body, possessively grabbing the back of his thighs.

“I told you to take care of yourself. Why are you making this hard?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, feeling slightly embarrassed for disappointing the other. He lifts the boxes from Hyunjae’s hold, lowering them and before he can see the expression on his face, Hyunjae turns his stare away. 

“Where do you want me to take them?”

“To the trash.”

He burns with shame but waits patiently until he takes the other two he had left in front of the apartment and stops three steps away from where Hyunjae sits on the last step of the stairs. 

“Why are you doing all these things for me?” he asks, still unable to look the other in the eyes. 

“Because I don’t want to see you in pain.”

His expression is hurt, definitely being sorry or feeling regret for something - _someone_ -, but without pity. 

As he stands up, there is a sudden pain running from his ankle all the way up to his spine, making him lose his balance, falling forward, stumbling into the other. The next thing he knows is that he is being closed into those arms, hands resting on the small of his back. For a second, he is just leaning against him then he exhales loudly, closing his eyes and presses his face into his shoulders, trying to slow down his erratic heartbeat. 

What definitely gets him by surprise are the long fingers threading through his hair, sometimes scratching his scalp accidentally which lights sparks under his skin and in the corner of his eyes. It’s calming, the feeling of being taken care of brings the tears back into his eyes. 

“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay,” he whispers into Hyunjae’s ear, hand pulling him closer. 

And just like that, the tears start running down his cheeks, burning his vision as he finally breaks down. After 28 years of always reassuring others, of whispering sweet words, of always putting himself second so that everybody could have the best of everything that he could offer. Someone saw that he is tired of always giving his best, of always smiling through the pain, of always giving but never getting anything back. 

Hyunjae fists the soft material of the other’s shirt, pulling him even closer, the space between them disappearing. Tears keep flowing down his face, wetting his shirt that stretches over his shoulders, while the other’s hand is slowly going up and down along his spine, building up heat under his skin while his other hand plays tenderly with the soft ends of his hair. And it makes Hyunjae cry even harder, shoulder shaking, breath hitching. He cries because his father abandoned him even before he could understand life fully; cries because his mother gave him up right after being left alone with him. He cries because not a single person wanted to adopt him throughout his whole childhood. He is crying because he was never enough for _him_ to stay. And he cries because he has to take care of a child with whom he was left alone. It suddenly became too much for him to handle. 

Suddenly Iseul’s smiling face appears in front of his eyes from the time she played together with the other kids, her loud giggle cutting through everything and echoing clearly in his ears. The sole reason for his happiness. And right now she is waiting for him to pick her up.

Hyunjae takes a step back without letting go of the other, eyes still closed. The hands disappear from his hair, wiping away the running tears off of his face, gently cupping his cheek. He breaths in and out slow and loud for a few times then opens his eyes to look in those dark pools of ebony and calming down completely.

“Thank you,” he mouths the words, one hand coming to cover the other, pushing his face into the palm of the other.

He just smiles reassuringly at Hyunjae, before pulling both of his hands back, gripping the backpack. 

“I live right next door,” he says, motioning with his head in the direction of their apartment. 

They both know what he means by that. 

⚬

Iseul is sitting in the shopping cart, navigating Hyunjae through the isles, clapping when he puts something she asked for in the basket. As they aimlessly walk between the rows, he remembers the other one, and his mind gets stuck on him.

“There was this person today that helped me carry our boxes into the apartment,” he says, knowing that Iseul will focus on him immediately. “And I wanted to thank him properly for his help, so I thought that maybe we should invite him for dinner, tonight. What do you think about that?”

She is silent for a few seconds, then she looks at Hyunjae and he doesn’t know what she reads from his face, but the next moment she’s smiling brightly at him, nodding her head up and down, her black hair dancing around her face.

“It’s okay,” she says, dimples appearing one after the other as her lips stretch wide, teeth showing. Then just as quickly goes back to watching the people around them. Hyunjae tries to not think about it too much.

⚬

“Careful!” he shouts after Iseul when she runs up the stairs, a bag full of sweets in her arms. She vanishes around the corner followed by a dull sound and Hyunjae just knows that she had fallen. 

He curses silently under his breath, running after her, forgetting the sharp pain in his ankle. Hyunjae expects the worst like every other pessimistic person in the world, only to be taken back by the situation in front of his eyes. His daughter is safe and sound in the arms of the same person who had saved him earlier that day. The bags of sweets are scattered around the floor pathetically. He wants to laugh but he holds it back. 

Iseul is enamored by the younger man holding her firmly with one arm around her smaller frame while he is looking at Hyunjae with a certain kind of regret over his face. They keep staring at each other and he almost forgets about his daughter for a second, only for her to start struggling a little against the hold, breaking the moment between the two men. She mutters a ‘thank you’ but it’s almost inaudible.

“Of course, you are just like him,” the other smiles but his voice is void of emotions. 

“Why?”

“Why what?” he asks, amused at the question. 

“Iseul -” it's a warning but it falls on deaf ears.

“Why am I just like dad?”

The amused blankness of his face distorts into a surprised one then it becomes sad again after catching Hyunjae’s eyes.

“Why?” she asks because she is just as stubborn as her father.

“Because the both of you,” here he bits into his bottom lip, looking between them, ignoring the slight shake of Hyunjae’s head to just drop the conversation. “Because both of you are extremely gorgeous.”

(The last person who called him gorgeous is someone Hyunjae doesn’t want to be reminded of. He doesn’t want to be reminded of those piercing eyes, of that soft smile, or even about the vibrant color of the neon sign across the wall and those perfectly white sheets that were too cold against his heated skin. He wants to forget about the sweet nothings whispered to him while he was high on pleasure. He wants to erase the word gorgeous from his memory, to wipe out the image of _him_ hovering over his still flustered body, hand caressing his face delicately. He wants to forget everything about that night. He wants it but he simply can’t do it.)

Somehow, when the other used it it didn’t hurt as much as had imagined it would. 

“What does that mean?” came her question with all the innocence of a child who had never heard the word before.

“It means that the both of you are really, really beautiful,” he explains, eyes turning into crescents. 

To Hyunjae’s utter surprise Iseul’s cheeks flush with a pretty shade of pale pink before she turns in his way.

“You are really, really beautiful too,” she whispers hurriedly before ducking under his arms and running up the stairs towards their apartment. Hyunjae stares after his daughter and can’t help but chuckle a little.

The word beautiful she had probably learned it from Hyunjae; to her mother the world, the things and people in it were just pretty. 

The younger collects the sweets that have fallen out of the bag and without a word takes one of Hyunjae’s own too before turning away to climb the stairs. Iseul waits patiently at the door but runs past him just as he unlocks it, shutting the door of her room after herself.

“She had never acted this way before,” he says, turning to the other, half-smile hiding in the corner of his mouth. He catches the other staring at him again with an unknown sadness and he thinks that maybe he overshared something or overstepped a line he shouldn’t have. 

“You know, that what I said before is true.”

Neither of them can misunderstand it. And it still rings clearly in Hyunjae's ears: _Both of you are extremely gorgeous._

Hyunjae feels the heat burning again under his skin, looking away from the other quickly. 

“Where do I put these?” he asks, lifting his hands full of sweets.

“In the kitchen,” and follows right after him, finally putting down the bag, the two lines on his palm a painfully red color.

“Look, you’ve helped me so much today -”

“It’s okay, anyone would have done the same thing,” he says, cutting Hyunjae’s sentence, but he is used to it so he lets it go.

“ - and I don't even know your name to properly thank you.”

“Do you want to know it just so you can thank me or ...” he wonders.

_No._

“It’s Juyeon,” he says and Hyunjae already loves it. “My name is Juyeon, hyung.”

He simply adores it.

“And will you stay for dinner, Juyeon?”


	2. JY: Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are certain moments in Juyeon's life which he doesn't want to remember and there are some that will probably keep him alive no matter what happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> triggers (suicidal tendencies, homophobia) mentioned in the tags appear in this chapter

Youngjae is the sweetest kid whom Juyeon had ever met in his life and the sweetest pleasure he had ever felt. He is playful kisses on the back of his neck and quick hugs when they are around people. When they are all alone it’s hot and heavy, burning touches against his bare skin, purple lovebites and possessive red lines where no one sees it. Because they can’t risk it for them to be seen. Not because they are ashamed of what they have, but for the only reason of _it_ not being accepted entirely. 

And how a single moment of rush was enough to turn his life upside down, still leaves Juyeon mad at himself every time he remembers it. 

It is the end of summer when Youngjae finally gets back from the States and Juyeon, like the perfect boyfriend he is, picks him up from the airport, unable to wait any longer to see him. 

Youngjae is the one who sees him waiting in the crowd of passengers, running towards him, dropping his luggage before stumbling into Juyeon’s arms, hands intertwining at the back as he nuzzles his face into the other’s chest, signing out loud. Juyeon hugs him closer by the shoulder, fingers threading through his blonde hair. 

“I missed you so much,” he whispers and hugs him tighter, arm going down to curl around Youngjae’s waist, fingers wrapping around the material of his shirt. 

“I missed you too, so fucking much,” he says, lifting his head up just a little bit to leave a small kiss under Juyeon’s exposed collarbones. His breath hitches at the touch, automatically leaning back to give Youngjae more access, only to realize that they are still in the middle of a busy airport - and while there is nothing wrong with two teenage boys hugging, kissing is a well defined _no_ by society.

“Let’s call a cab and go back to mine,” and Juyeon is more than excited when he feels Youngjae’s smile against his skin. 

On the backseat of the cab, they sit away from each other with only their knees touching. Eventually, they stop at a red light, Youngjae leaning closer to him and whispers into his ear, hand resting high in his thigh. 

“Can I stay the night?”

Juyeon is so ready to kiss him right there, in front of the driver, it’s almost insane. Instead, he puts his lips next to Youngjae’s ear and whispers back.

“I want you to stay for the rest of our life.”

He senses the fingers digging deeper into his thigh, sending chills down his spine. And he is happy right now, extremely so because at the moment _their_ future feels very real. 

Excitement is building intensively as they take out the luggage, house keys already in his hand, the tension between them thicker than before.

It snaps when Juyeon shuts the door behind himself, when Youngjae drops everything from his hands and kisses him on the mouth so hard they stumble back, handle digging into his side, the other's hand already a protective barrier between his head and the door. 

It’s all tongue and teeth, hurried touches and Juyeon feels that with every kiss his head gets higher and lighter until he chokes on the absence of air, pulling away from the younger who is in no better state than him, with his cheeks in a deep blush, eyes sparkling and his mouth slightly open. Juyeon breathes hard, chest rising rapidly as he wipes the drool from the corner of Youngjae’s lips, moaning loud when the younger closes his mouth around his fingers, biting down gently, tongue swirling between them. Juyeon is probably going to lose his mind at this rate. 

“Pretty babe,” he says, hand finding its way back into Youngjae’s hair, pulling barely on it, trembling when the moan he elicits from the other vibrates through his whole arm and down his side. “Come here.”

Youngjae lets go of his finger, lips locking again. This one is slow, with their tongues meeting leisurely in the middle. 

It’s because they have time. They don’t have to rush and they don’t have to hide. Just the two of them. Together. 

Juyeon lifts him up by the back of his thigh, Youngjae’s legs naturally hugging his waist, hands tugging hard on Juyeon’s short hair, lips attached to his neck, nipping and sucking at the skin. 

They are both hard and breathless when Juyeon throws him on the bed, the sight leaving him speechless. With his golden, sun-kissed skin, tousled hair, and swollen lips shiny from spit he looks ethereal, and maybe Juyeon falls for him a little more. 

Youngjae whines desperately and Juyeon can’t let him wait for more - they’ve waited two and a half months, if that’s not enough, then he doesn’t know what is. He brings their hips together and the small breathy sounds which escape Youngjae’s lips are more than satisfactory. 

“Don’t tease,” he whines again, hands already under Juyeon’s shirt, pulling it off and throwing it away in the far corner of the room. 

And what else can Juyeon do when he is so prettily begging for it, _for him_?

He smiles at Youngjae before kissing him softly on the lips while unbuttoning his washed-out jeans, pulling them down all the way from his skinny waist. He kisses him one more time before leaning back, lifting both of his legs over his shoulder, kissing the inner part of his thighs, nipping on the skin. The low _fuck_ that leaves Youngjae’s lips and the way his hand helplessly twist in the sheets is making him chuckle.

“I said don’t tease,” but he doesn’t really mean it.

One of Juyeon’s hands is spread over his chest, the sensation of an erratic heartbeat under his fingers is a sign that he’s not the only one with these overwhelming feelings. He chuckles again when Youngjae closes his eyes, resting his hand over Juyeon’s bigger one a little then pushing it down past his waist, sighing when Juyeon presses down on his crotch. 

“Can’t wait to feel you inside me,” he says then pushes Juyeon forward with the back of his heels, giggling when he barely catches himself to not crash against Youngjae. “Hi,” he grins before kissing him. It’s sweet and slow, but never enough.

Youngjae rests his legs on Juyeon’s waist as they keep making out, breaths mingling as they devour each other, groaning when their hips press together and he whines loudly when Juyeon finally wraps his hand around his cock, wrist-twisting painfully slowly. 

“Why -” he wants to complain but chokes on his words when Juyeon’s brush purposefully against his hole. 

“Be a good boy and suck on them.”

Youngjae opens his lips, cheeks hollowing around Juyeons’s fingers as he sucks on them, hips keep pushing up into Juyeon’s hand for friction. His tongue dances playfully around them, choking when Juyeon presses down hard on it. Tears swell in his eyes, but he doesn’t close them - he keeps staring at him and Juyeon absolutely loves it. 

“You look so gorgeous like this baby,” the praise makes the younger blush even harder, crying out when the pace fastens, sending him almost over the edge. 

The first one leaves him gasping, whole body clenching on it, hands on Juyeon’s shoulders, nails digging into the pale skin, red moons blooming on their way.

“Relax,” he says, lips pressed into his neck, finger sliding all the way in when the muscle lets it. It’s tight, heat pulsing all the way from the tip of his finger to that sweet spot in the middle of his neck then spreading over his whole back, tickling his sides as it settles in his stomach. There’s a shudder ripping through his body and Youngjae loves the effect he has on him because he clenches his muscles tighter, moaning when Juyeon bites into his shoulder.

It’s all small bites and wet kisses, hushed sweet nothings and bruising touches until Juyeon has Youngjae pliant under him; chest heaving, face flushed, his eyes shut and skin covered in purple and red. Juyeon loves this too, probably to the point of madness. 

Youngjae is a loud whining mess when Juyeon thrusts into him finally, face pushed into the pillow, hands gripping the sheets so hard they turn white. Juyeon goes mad at the sight, hips moving faster and he smirks when he finds that sweet spot inside the other. Youngjae cries out, back curving delicately and Juyeon takes the chance to pull him closer, hands on his waist. 

It’s fast and hard and neither of them lasts much, but it’s okay since they have the whole night to themselves; they have time to be gentle later. 

There’s a harsh sound that wakes Juyeon up. Youngjae is still asleep next to him, pressed close to him, arm thrown over his stomach. Everything is silent again and Juyeon doesn’t like it at all, because he can’t point out what is bothering him until he realizes it. Horror settles slowly in his bones when he sees it. The door to his room is closed. It shouldn't be closed because they had left it open with the windows too after showering, to let the air wipe out their scent. Only to fall asleep without shutting them. 

Blood freezes in his veins because he knows exactly what happened and what will happen next. He pushes Youngjae’s arms from his body, dresses up quickly, and with his heart beating loud in his ears he opens the door.

His father doesn’t even spare him a glance when he enters the kitchen, but Juyeon can see the slight shake of his hand around the bottle of water. He wants to speak first, thinking that he might have a chance to convince his father - but about _what_? 

“You have 10 minutes to get him out of the house.”

And it doesn’t hurt that much because he was expecting it for a very long time, still, the situation is almost laughable but at the very same time, he just wants to cry because this is not how it was supposed to happen. Not shaken out of a dream and torn from the person he loves the most. 

“But -” he starts only for the protest to die on his lips because his father finally looks at him and it’s enough to make him shut up. It is also enough for him to turn back to his room to wake Youngjae up. 

The younger is already up, sheets pooling over his legs as he stretches his arms high in the air, back arching beautifully in the morning sun as it lights Juyeon’s marks scattered around his body. The smile on his face when he sees him is bright and it hurts him. It hurts because he won’t get to see it anymore. Juyeon just looks at him and it breaks his heart to let him know, _to let him go._

Youngjae reads him like an open book, expression turning from bright to ashen in seconds. Juyeon knows that Youngjae knows it too by now. 

“Fuck.”

Juyeon can’t agree more. They did this to themselves. They have literally turned themselves in, like what they’ve committed was a crime and not an act out of pure love. He wants to break down and cry, but he can’t, not when Youngjae is also on the verge of crying. 

It’s obvious that they are mad. Mad because they weren’t patient enough, attentive enough; because they have rushed everything from the minute Youngjae’s plane landed. 

And now it’s over.

His father is nowhere in sight and Juyeon is thankful for it. If he would have looked at Youngjae like he looked at him, Juyeon would have done something regrettable and right now that’s the last thing he wants to do. 

The _I love you_ they whisper to each other, brings tears to his eyes and Youngjae’s sour smile does not help it when he tries to hold them back. It’s sad, heartbreaking even. Youngjae kisses him on his cheeks, wiping away the tears that have escaped through the corner of his eyes. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers, but they both know that it’s a lie. 

Juyeon watches his retreating back, how small he becomes the further he gets and he just wants to run after him and never let him go again. But it’s not something he can do when he hears steps behind himself.

“I hope that I don’t have to tell you this, but I think that it should be obvious that I don’t want to see him near you anymore.”

⚬

While Juyeon has always looked up to his father, whom he always wanted to impress - staying away from Youngjae is harder than he expects. He sees him on the hallways of the school, in the library, outside on the running tracks and his heart aches because of how easy and fast the other moved on. If all they had was real how could the other be fine? He knows that there is something behind all of that facade, but he doesn’t want to ruin Youngjae’s life, he doesn’t want to disobey his father and he definitely doesn’t want to make his mother cry. So he pretends that it doesn’t affect him while he cries himself to sleep almost every night. 

Youngjae becomes a strange shadow in the corner of his vision, his father’s presence in his life becomes close to none and the hurt expression on his mother’s face haunts him when he stops thinking for a second. It’s not good, but he doesn’t care. He is drowning and all he ever does is dive himself deeper into it until he blanks out and does not remember what day it is when he wakes up. 

He graduates with flying notes, but he doesn't remember how he does it. 

And everything is okay until it’s not. Until he falls so deep that he cannot get out. 

He fails his college entrance exam and the disappointment on his father’s face is a crushing weight on him. His mother doesn’t know what happens with him and she tries helping but Juyeon only pushes her further away, so neither of them gets hurt. He hardly succeeds on the second try, but the acknowledgment from his father doesn't bring him joy anymore. It’s just a passive way of his to fulfill his duties as a parent. And Juyeon starts to hate it. How everything he does is measured by the values of this man, deciding if he is worth still keeping around or should just throw him out. 

College is boring, to put it in the most simple way and he doesn’t enjoy it because why would he enjoy something that doesn't bring him excitement. He does it because that is what was told to be done. The people he meets are all fake, smiles too forced and it’s obvious that they want something more from him than just simple help but he is not there for it. He doesn’t return their smiles, their subtle touches on his arm or on his waist, he doesn’t laugh with them and he doesn’t kiss back the girl who forces herself onto him at a very crowded house party. Though he fucks the pretty boy who stares at him a little too much in one of the guest rooms. 

But they mean nothing to him like everything else in his life, and if people don’t like it well then that’s their own damn problem because he doesn’t care. 

He doesn’t care and it gets him in trouble. One failed exam gets him a warning. Two failed exams get his mother more worried. Three failed exams get him a well-aimed slap on the face from his father and Juyeon feels the knuckles even after hours of holding a cold towel over his face. 

It’s the middle of January - past his birthday by four days -, when he’s finally fed up with everything. What puts the cherry on top is accidentally crossing paths with Youngjae in the middle of an almost empty coffee shop and the younger just smiles at him like it’s the easiest thing to do and passes him by like he is _just_ a stranger. 

The last reason that keeps him alive crumble just like that. 

⚬

His parents are asleep when he takes his bike and leaves into the night. The streets are empty and the cold air is harsh, biting mercilessly into his skin as he cycles through the silence, right in the middle of the road. Because he can. He can do it because he is all alone and no one really cares. At least not for him.

He’s been cycling for an hour now and his legs start to hurt, hands already froze. Juyeon doesn’t care because this is the last time for him to feel pain. What happens after the jump he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to dwell on it either. 

He only stops when his hands hurt so much that he can’t hold onto the bike anymore. But that’s okay because he can see the outline of the bridge just fine and he pushes the bike till there, exhaling loud when he is finally before it. No one is around. There are no other people out here and there isn’t a single car on the road. The bright street lights envelop everything in a blinding white and Juyeon has to cover his eyes. He leaves the bike leaning against the railing and he walks till the middle of the bridge - because if someone sees him, he will still have time to do it. 

He leans over the edge of the railing looking into the darkness and the darkness looks back into him. The surface of the railing is freezing cold and he slowly feels his hands becoming the same as he looks up and around - he is still alone, although he hears the faint sound of an engine somewhere he doesn’t see it, so he blames it on the cold as it starts to works higher on his body, wrists and ankles getting numb by the minute. 

He grips the first bar of the railing and steps on the last one, wind cutting into his face and suddenly the night sky becomes closer. His heart is beating loud in his ears and the water under him is flowing gently, but its waves crashing against the pillars are roaring with a heavy sound. 

His body numb with the pain while the water crashes into the bridge and a few minutes from now they are going to swallow him whole and it finally won’t hurt him anymore. He steps on the second bar of the railing, getting higher; the black nothing that’s already on the corner fills him with relief. 

“Do you really think that it will solve anything?”

Juyeon turns his head so fast, his vision sways for a second and he cannot see the person standing in front of him clearly. He closes his eyes to focus, but he loses his balance and his hands slip on the upper bar and he falls, but not in the direction he wants to. He feels one of his ankles getting stuck between two bars, twisting painfully and he doesn’t try to protect himself from the inevitable pain that he will feel _tomorrow._ Because he will _live_ tomorrow. 

He closes his eyes and waits, but the cold completely numbs his senses and he loses consciousness before he can feel anything.

It’s hot. Something covers him entirely and it’s pleasantly warm against Juyeon’s skin. And it’s also a little bit heavy around his shoulders but it keeps him safe so he leans further into it until he can feel it around his whole body. There is a muted, deep noise coming from somewhere behind him and it grows until it’s the only thing that Juyeon can hear. It brings him out of the haze and he realizes that his eyes were closed this whole time. 

The contours of the room become sharp as he blinks his eyes open. It’s dark inside, the blinds closed shut and Juyeon can see the sunlight trying to shine through but it’s useless. The sound is duller now but he can still hear it. He tries to turn around and he’s met with an obstacle. Something is really keeping him from moving and he starts panicking. 

“Hush, it’s okay. You’re okay,” the same voice from last night whispers close to his ears and Juyeon turns his head abruptly, coming face to face with the stranger. 

The man who has his arms around him, hugging Juyeon close to his chest is younger than he expects, but probably a bit older than Juyeon himself. There is a soft calmness hiding behind those tired eyes and overly bitten lips, Juyeon feels that somehow they are the same. 

“Is it too warm?”

“No,” he says and it feels like his mouth is filled with sand.

The other extends his hand out of Juyeon’s vision and he is grateful for the glass of water that’s given to him. He drinks it slowly until his throat doesn’t hurt. 

He lowers the glass and turns with his whole body towards the man, whose hands stay around him. In the deepest corner of his mind, he enjoys the feeling but pushes it down. Now it’s not the time. 

“Why?” he asks and it’s probably the most obvious thing.

“Because whatever reason you had it’s not worth it,” he says, a small smile gracing his expression. “I know that you are hurt, but it's still not good of a reason to end it all."

There is a gentle silence between them before the other speaks again.

"You know, I once read an interview with people who wanted to die by throwing themselves off a bridge but survived the fall. You know what they said?” and it’s obvious again that Juyeon doesn’t know it because he continues. “They said that halfway down they had realized that their problems aren’t really that big to throw their life away for them. It’s an instant regret because it’s not something that you can change. Your problems aren’t that big to kill yourself because of them. Your life is worth more than that.”

The man touches his face tenderly, wiping the tears from his eyes; Juyeon has started crying without realizing it. 

“And you can’t make your mother cry.”

The words hit hard and his shoulders start trembling. The tender touch of the other’s hands, the warmth of his body, and the sadness that surrounds them are overwhelming and he lets everything go. Crumbles against the other and cries. He cries like a kid, _loud_ , ear piercingly loud, fingers curling into the material of the man’s shirt as the sobs wreck his body. 

The arms around him tighten.

“Let it all out.”

He’s crying harder when he finally goes up for air. He can finally breathe again. 


	3. HJ: Vulnerable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The way Juyeon looks at him makes Hyunjae believe in love again.

It’s 3AM in the morning and he cannot sleep. Hyunjae could probably blame the full moon for being too bright for its own good, but he knows exactly why he cannot sleep and it annoys him to no end. More importantly, he knows what it is but he doesn’t know why; because there’s a strange feeling that has been following him for the last few days and it’s bothering him so much that he cannot even sleep properly, which is unfortunate because it’s what he needs the most right now. 

_Juyeon_

Which shouldn't be a bad thing because he can’t stop thinking about him; and it’s driving him crazy because he shouldn’t do it. He shouldn’t do it because he knows himself and he knows that thinking about it too much will turn into developing feelings towards the younger and right now he’s not in that state to have his heart broken again when _it_ is still in pieces swept under the rug. Hyunjae should switch those things off so that he can breathe for more than just two seconds and without having to check himself every day if he’s still intact from all the pain that he has to suffer through. 

The way Juyeon smiles at him when they cross paths on the stairs or in the small 24/7 that’s right across the street still leaves Hyunjae breathless even after experiencing it daily for a week. Because they see each other almost every day. Juyeon leaves for his classes at the same time Hyunjae takes Iseul to kindergarten and he buys too much instant coffee from the store - Hyunjae is kind of worried for his health. Iseul still blushes when they meet, hiding behind Hyunjae’s legs and he can totally understand her; it’s hard not to stare when someone looks like Juyeon. 

But he can’t shake off the feeling that he had seen Juyeon before, he just doesn’t know when. 

He settles in the living room and searches for something on the TV to bore his mind until it can finally shut off. He finds a documentary on forgotten ancient cultures and lets the narrator's voice lull him to sleep, hoping that it won’t take much.

After half an hour he gives up because this one is useless too. His brain just can’t stop running around the same thoughts again and again. 

There is one single, determined knock on the door, but it’s enough to pull him out of his daze. Hyunjae turns towards the screen and hates the fact that it’s already 4 o’clock. The second knock it’s much quieter, like the person behind the door is slowly giving up and Hyunjae stops in front of the door but doesn’t open it. Waits until there’s a third one and in the dead of the night he can hear the other person sighing tiredly. 

He opens the door and he’s not even surprised to see Juyeon standing there in the poorly lit hall in an oversized black hoodie and shorts that cover only half of his thighs. His shoelaces are untied and Hyunjae fears that he might fall. He’s definitely tired, the circles under his eyes and his pale skin make him look sick, but there’s still that tired smile he manages to give to Hyunjae.

“Juyeon,” he realizes just how tired he is by hearing his own voice. 

“I saw that the lights were on,” he says and it honestly makes no sense because the light can only be seen from the outside, so how -

“Are you pulling an all-nighter again, Juyeonie?” Hyunjae doesn’t know where the nickname comes from, but it’s adorable how Juyeon’s eyes become wide, cheeks a burning red color. “Come in,” he says and opens the door wider. 

He makes them tea and gives Juyeon a threatening look when he starts to complain.

“I don’t want to hear it. You’re not getting coffee at 4AM in the morning. When was the last time you slept at least eight hours?”

“But it’s exam period,” and Hyunjae is left speechless when Juyeon actually whines, the corner of his lips turning downwards. 

“That is exactly why, so drink your tea and go to sleep.”

He’s about to turn back to the kitchen to shut the light off when Juyeon grabs his wrist and pulls him towards himself. 

“Will you stay with me?” his voice is small and Hyunjae thinks that he might actually break.

“Juyeon -”

“I’m so tired of always being alone. Please,” he almost begs, “stay with me.”

It hits so close to home that it makes him freeze, the shudder that runs through his body makes him tremble with a different kind of unknown loneliness because he was always lonely but never alone. Juyeon feels it and intertwines their hands, pulling him gently down on the couch, thumb moving in a soothing manner back and forth on the back of his hand.

They stay like that for some time and their tea is probably cold by the time Juyeon lets go of his hand. Hyunjae is uncertain about many things, but holding Juyeon’s hand feels nice and all that he knows is that he wants to hold it way longer than this, so he reaches after it, linking their fingers together again. Hopes that Juyeon doesn't mind it too much.

“I should really go back,” it’s not exactly what he wants to hear. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” he asks and it feels like guilt tripping the other which doesn’t make Hyunjae feel any better.

“Studying? Well it’s because that’s my -” 

“Don’t get smart with me.”

It’s silent for a minute. Hyunjae knows that he overstepped the line. When Juyeon speaks up again, his voice is barely audible and it shakes.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Why?”

He lifts Juyeon's head with his hand, his expression more fragile than Hyunjae would have imagined. His eyes shine bright with unshed tears.

_He’s in pain._

Hyunjae wipes the first drops away, watching how Juyeon pushes his face into his hand, the touch of his lips wet against his skin and it pains him how the lines of his face harden around his eyes. 

“Hey,” he tries but it's so soft that it gets ignored. “Hey,” this time louder and Juyeon opens his eyes to look at him; they are red and something around Hyunjae’s heart tightens. “Come here,” there is no sound when his lips form the words, but Juyeon understands it nonetheless and lunges at him, burying his face into Hyunjae’s chest and cries with his shoulders shaking uncontrollably, small hiccups and uneven breathing mixing together. He runs his fingers through his hair, twisting Juyeon’s longer locks, watching aimlessly as they softly curve around them. 

As they sit there, Juyeon in Hyunjae’s arms, his bothering thoughts come to the surface again and Hyunjae’s grip around Juyeon’s waist becomes solid like steel, keeping him still and stable. Juyeon looks up at him through his tears, face red, the folds on Hyunjae’s shirt imprinted on his cheeks. 

“What happened?” he asks with his voice dry as he tries to hold his tears back. 

Hyunjae honestly doesn't know what to do with the thought of Juyeon putting him over his own suffering. How sensible and aware he is about Hyunjae’s every move, how he immediately knows if Hyunjae is bothered even though they have only known each other for a week. 

The thoughts come back and he thinks that asking about them won’t hurt. 

“I know that I might sound weird, but have we met before?”

“You,” and somehow he can’t look at him when he says this, burrowing his face into Hyunjae’s shoulders, where his lips touch his ear and whispers, “you saved my life once.”

And maybe it’s because they are whispered directly into his ear, but they ring loud in between the walls and the hazy memories rush back and Hyunjae sees it clearly now. 

⚬

It’s the middle of January when Hyunjae is left alone in the house, Iseul is taken to her grandparents for a few days. He blames it on his job, but he and everybody else knows that it’s not the case because he just simply cannot stand those people - and that it’s enough of a reason to stay away. 

He goes out and crashes in a cheap hotel room because he cannot bear to be all alone in that house. The next day he goes to work as usual, after which he returns to the hotel at night, eating takeout from the restaurant around the corner. He takes off the day after and drives to the old orphanage he grew up in and has a few pleasant conversations with the nurses who still remember him. They drink coffee standing by the fireplace in the main hall and listen to the radio because no one has anything new to say to the other. There’s going to be a snowstorm in the capital and Hyunjae just laughs at that because he hadn’t experienced one in years. 

There is no snow in the capital when he arrives back from his hometown and he’s amused by how unpredictable the world is. However, he’s not amused by the sight of a dark silhouette standing on the railing, leaning their upper body in the direction of the river beneath them. 

He knows the situation from the first step to the last. He had seen it and will never forgive himself if he will let it happen again. As he gets closer the image of a young man gets clearer. He’s standing on the first bar, upper body beaten by the winds. Hyunjae stops the car and gets out, making as much noise as he can but it’s ignored.

When the other steps on the next bar of the railing, his senses are on high alert.

“Do you really think that it will solve anything?”

It happens fast. The _boy_ \- because he’s that young and it leaves an extremely sour taste in Hyunjae’s mouth - turns to him, but his eyes lose focus. He sees them rolling back into his head and the moment he lets go of the railing Hyunjae is already there to catch him from falling on the ground.

The relief which floods his senses is indescribable. 

He takes the boy back to his hotel room, takes his jacket and shoes off, hugs him closer to his body, and pulls the blankets over themselves. His body is cold and Hyunjae takes his hands and blows warm air onto them. He spends the night sitting with his back against the headrest of the bed with the boy’s body in his arms.

_It’s warm_ , that’s the only thing he knows when he wakes up.

He doesn’t remember too much after it, only that the boy cried himself to exhaustion after Hyunjae convinced him that life in its whole is too beautiful to die over small, temporary problems. That is probably why he cannot visualize the boy’s face after he passes the bridge in the spring because he only remembers the fact that a life was saved. 

Life gets hard and the next time he passes the bridge he doesn’t remember anything. 

⚬

“Thank you for staying alive,” he whispers into Juyeon’s hair before finally falling asleep, with their legs tangled together, Juyeon’s arms around his middle and his head tucked under Hyunjae’s chin. 

Hyunjae wakes up one hour before the alarm and he’s not sure to be glad or to be really annoyed, but he’s not tired and that’s something new to him. Juyeon is still asleep next to him, with his back to Hyunjae, his body rising and falling gently with every breath he takes. He’s wearing one of Hyunjae’s oversized shirts and the thought of it fills him with warmth because it’s something so intimate that only people really close to each other do. And Hyunjae thinks that what they have is similar. 

Still, he knows that he cannot have this with Juyeon, it’s dangerous because what they have is already way more than Hyunjae’s other relations and it scares him. 

Because Juyeon is genuinely the sweetest person in Hyunjae’s life right now and he doesn’t want to lose it by telling him off. _He doesn’t want to be the reason for his further suffering._ On the other hand, if they continue like this, Hyunjae will eventually fall for him without being sure about the fact that the younger feels the same way. By the way he acts around Hyunjae, he thinks it obvious that their feelings are the same, but Hyunjae is not naive anymore and he stopped assuming things and feelings since _he_ left him. 

There is no “ _I thought that you loved me”_ anymore. 

He pushes his head between Juyeon’s shoulder blades, sighing out loud.

“What is it?”

Hyunjae is taken back by the sudden question but he doesn’t pull away. He likes it when he’s so close to the other without being seen. 

“I was thinking about,” _you? me?_ “I was thinking about us.”

“Really? What about that?” Hyunjae can hear the excitement in his voice and it makes him chuckle. _So eager_. 

They are really going to have this conversation and his anxiety is already slowly creeping into his consciousness, but he cannot run because Juyeon has turned over, looking at him with genuine interest on his face and childlike joy in his eyes. 

He’s hesitating.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” and it should feel reassuring, but it’s not. He feels something that even he himself cannot comprehend.

“I have feelings for you. You’ve made me breathless ever since I first met you. Every time you smile at me, every time you touch me no matter how gentle or subtle, I get warm inside. There is no day that I don’t think about you. And I worry about you not eating regularly or not having enough sleep or drinking too much coffee after midnight. These make me even more sad,” he says while touching the purple circles around Juyeon’s eyes, breath hitching when the younger covers his hand with his own and brings it to his lips to leave a kiss in the middle of his palm, then turns it and kisses his knuckles while looking straight into Hyunjae’s eyes. His almost predatory look shouldn’t make Hyunjae feel things, but the warmth he was talking about is overheating his cheeks and he bites into his bottom lip to muffle the moan that wants to leave his lips. It's too much.

“Juyeon.” 

Hyunjae is overwhelmed by the attention and affection he’s given and when Juyeon starts to kiss his fingertips, he loses it completely. 

“Stop,” he manages to say the words with a weak kind of authority in his voice, but hopes that Juyeon will understand it. 

“Have I done something wrong?” and there it is again, the selflessness that drives Hyunjae insane. 

“No, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just that you doing this to me, makes me want you even more and I’m scared of falling deeper for you because I don’t know if you actually feel the same way or you’re just really so open-hearted and genuinely caring that I’m mistaking it for something completely different.”

Juyeon has an uncertain look in his eyes. Hyunjae thinks that he, compared to the other, was too selfish when saying those words.

Juyeon takes his hand and puts it on his chest, right over his heart. Hyunjae feels the stable rhythm of the beating under his hands. Juyeon is completely calm. 

“My life got ruined the day my father found me naked in bed with another guy. When you found me on the bridge, I was at my lowest point. I’ve become a stranger to the person with whom I was in love, with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I made my mother worried sick about me by taking everything from myself that brought joy to my life. I have felt the safest in _his_ arms _that_ night before he found us and now I can’t even sleep because I fear that it might happen again if I’m not careful enough. I don’t want to disappoint the people around me anymore.” 

Hyunjae wants to hurt someone. 

“I was so dazed out the morning after you found me that I didn’t even have the power to thank you. I should have waited for you until you got back from work, but I was worried about my mother and I couldn’t stay. I should’ve at least asked for your name.”

There are tears in his eyes, but Hyunjae can’t seem to care, he blinks them away rapidly so his vision doesn’t blur. Juyeon’s heartbeat is still very calm and powerful under his palm.

“I’ve returned to that hotel room the next day, but they said that you weren’t there anymore. I hate myself for that, for not being patient enough to wait until you come back.”

Hyunjae chokes on Juyeon’s name when the younger smiles at him, his other hand settling on his chest, his erratic heartbeat becoming even crazier. 

“I’ve not been this calm for a very long time. You make me feel like this. Just by looking at me, you make me want to be by your side longer, to hold your hand, to kiss you breathless, to touch you like only lovers do, to make you feel things that only the ones in love feel. I don’t know if what I feel for you right now is love, but it’s something strong and I don’t want to let it go.”

He pulls Hyunjae closer, their forehead touching. Their lips are millimeters away, breath mixing. 

“I'm begging you, please don’t make me let this go,” he whispers the words before connecting their lips together. Hyunjae kisses him back because in the corner of his mind this was something he wanted to do ever since Juyeon appeared on his doorstep with his boxes. He feels the younger’s heartbeat getting faster and it fills him with pride to know that he’s the one doing it. 

Juyeon kisses him harder, pulling him closer by the waist, nails digging painfully into his side and Hyunjae is absolutely intoxicated by the possessive touch on his body, by Juyeon’s heart that beats like mad against his own. 


	4. JY: Unpredictable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it's too fast. Maybe they are going to get hurt. But Juyeon can't let him give up on them so quickly.

It’s sickeningly sweet how after the first kiss Hyunjae becomes a giggling mess against Juyeon lips. He laughs into the next one and Juyeon can’t help but smile because hearing the older laugh like that for the first time - all because of him -, is so addictive, he wants to get high on it. 

He pushes himself up on his elbow and lets Hyunjae snake his arms around his waist, pulling him closer, leaving butterfly kisses all along Juyeon’s collarbone and when Juyeon tucks his golden locks behind his ears, he bites down gently on his shoulder. Juyeon thinks that he looks close to a kitten when he pushes his face in the space between his neck and shoulder, a content sigh leaving his lips. 

“Should have done this after the first dinner,” he whispers, however it doesn’t sound like he’s sad about it.

“Then why didn’t you?” he asks, but already knows the answer and lets the silence settle around them. 

Juyeon traces irregular patterns over Hyunjae’s side, following the curve of his ribs and waist, fingers slipping under his shirt where it’s ridden up, skidding across the prominent hip bone, then going up all the way but this time he scratches his nails all along Hyunjae’s side and the loud moan ringing in the room is satisfying.

Hyunjae’s eyes widen, hands coming to his face to cover his mouth, but it’s already too late and when he realizes it, the giggles are back. He laughs against Juyeon's skin and the sound of it is filled with pure joy. Juyeon wants to save this moment, this feeling _forever_. 

He keeps his hand under Hyunjae’s shirt, the material of it folding around his wrist as he smooths down his back. Hyunjae’s skin is still warm from sleeping, soft where Juyeon brushes over sensitive spots. The older loves it judging by the nails digging into Juyeon hip and the small breathy sounds that hit his ear. 

Juyeon leans down, kissing the part behind his ear, hand returning to rest on Hyunjae's waist and getting a tiny bit surprised when the older tangles their legs, pushing their bodies together without leaving space between them. His body is warm everywhere and Juyeon loves the closeness, how the heat starts to burn where Hyunjae touches him. 

"Juyeon."

And Juyeon loves how the other's lips move around his name, how his voice is filled with something sweet that makes him want to please the other. And Hyunjae gets him because his next words are more than enough to make Juyeon lose his last sane thought.

"Kiss me."

The kiss is bordering on desperate, open lips moving against each other, their teeth clashing and Hyunjae thrusts his hips forward when Juyeon licks into his mouth, enjoying every little sound that fills the room. It's a wet mess when their tongues meet in the middle, spit pooling and dripping from the corner of their mouths as they keep devouring each other. 

As Hyunjae keeps pushing closer and harder against his body, Juyeon has the single thought of completely ruining him, to have him beg for more while never getting satisfied properly. 

When Hyunjae's grip tightens on his waist he's ready to turn their game into something more, only to find himself getting pushed on his back, Hyunjae sitting down on his thighs while moving his hips slowly in a circular motion. Juyeon is overwhelmed to the point of passing out. 

"Fuck, you're so gorgeous like this," he mutters while his hands spread on Juyeon's stomach. Hyunjae smiles when he feels the muscles under his fingers jump, then tighten, nails dancing on the solid curves of Juyeon's abs. 

Juyeon is out of breath, hands twisting in the pillow under his head, chest heaving as Hyunjae's fingers ghost over his skin, tracing the hard outlines of his muscles, scratching over his v-line, stopping right over the band of his underwear. When Juyeon barely swallows a needy whine, Hyunjae lowers his hands, gently teasing him through the material, chuckling when Juyeon lifts his hips into the touch, sighing out loud when Hyunjae presses him back into the sheets and keeps the pressure of his hands on it. 

Juyeon is dazed out of his mind, heat and pleasure pooling in his stomach while he's desperate for more friction; he covers his mouth with the back of his hands because he's embarrassed by the sounds escaping through his lips. He's never been this messed up after some kisses and a few teasing touches, but he's never been this touches starved for such a long period of time either.

"You're such a good boy, Juyeonie," Hyunjae smiles at him and pushes his hips down hard, making Juyeon throw his head back, biting down hard on his hand to swallow the sounds, but the high pitched moan still manages to leave his lips. 

Hyunjae hovers over him, bringing their bodies flush against each other, and bites down on his ear, pulling the silver ring attached to it with his teeth before whispering to him.

"The next time I'm gonna make you _scream_ , baby."

That word and Hyunjae's promise in that breathy, almost fucked out voice is what pushes him over the edge, making his vision go white, the muscles in his stomach clenching on the sweet burning as he comes, choking on the other’s name.

As he slowly comes down from the high, his senses become clear with Hyunjae breathing loudly in his ear. His eyes widen with the sudden realization and pushes his hands between their bodies but before he could reach Hyunjae's hips the other laughs into his shoulder and lifts himself in a sitting position, smiling softly at him.

"It's okay baby, this was about you."

Juyeon wants to protest, but Hyunjae just shakes his head with that tender smile still on his lips, running his fingers through his hair, pushing the locks from his face. The sight is mouth-watering and Juyeon sits up, curls his arms around the other, pulling him down while turning their position, caging Hyunjae between the bed and his body. 

“I’ll make it quick. Please,” he says, hands already sliding down Hyunjae’s body. He’s eager to please the other, with a terrible urge to just touch him everywhere his hands can reach. 

“Juyeon.”

It’s a warning without power and Juyeon loves how easily Hyunjae gives up everything for him. How he bites down hard into Juyeon’s shoulder when he starts to jerk him off lazily. How he thrusts his hips into the touch when Juyeon licks the spot behind his ear before leaving sloppy kisses down his neck. How his nails dig painfully into his hips while Juyeon whispers sweet nothings into his ear, tightening his grip around his cock. It doesn't take much for him.

Hyunjae looks absolutely ravishing when he comes and Juyeon burns the image into his mind.

He leans back and watches the fast rising and falling of Hyunjae’s chest, the blush adorning his cheeks, and waits. Waits until Hyunjae opens his eyes to look at him only to bring his hands to his lips and lick the cum off his fingers while he stares back at the other. 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he whispers, still sounding breathless. 

“Only if you let me.”

The chuckle that leaves Hyunjae’s lips is low and he pats Juyeon’s waist gently.

"Go take a shower, change your clothes and come back to have breakfast with us," he says before sitting up, leaving a final kiss on his forehead.

He gets out of the bed and Juyeon watches how delicately Hyunjae's spine curves when he stretches and absolutely loves how the red and pink marks of his fingers and nails are blooming over his skin. They are probably going to disappear by the end of the day, but _if he holds on tight enough then maybe they will stay there forever._

Hyunjae turns towards him, an amused sigh filling the air.

"Go," he mouths the word before leaving the room.

Joy is nowhere to be seen and honestly, Juyeon doesn’t even have time to search for the kitten so, after he showers and changes his outfit, he puts her tray by the kitchen counter, takes his notes, and leaves.

He doesn't know if he should ring the bell or just simply let himself in, so he settles on knocking three times on the hard and cold surface of the door. There are a few seconds of silence and Juyeon hears the sound of shuffling on the other side of the door. He waits patiently until he's let in.

The door opens only halfway, Iseul hiding her tiny body behind it, looking up in his direction but not exactly at him. At first, he was slightly bothered by her cold, almost passive behavior towards him, avoiding him every time they caught each other’s eyes and for a kid to be the first one who hated him was a huge weight on his shoulders until Hyunjae pointed it out that she was only shy and trying to hide her adoration for him in the wrong way. Now he finds it adorable and tries to communicate with her more, squatting to be on the same level as her, smiling tenderly with his head tilted slightly to the side and a curious look in his eyes.

"Hi, Iseul."

She blinks at him at first until she finally lets the right corner of her lips curl upwards and Juyeon is absolutely entranced by her dimples that appear in the middle of her cheeks.

"Hi," she mutters then opens the door wider and Juyeon gets up to go inside but he's stopped by the small tug on his shirt. He looks down but before he can ask the child what she wants, Iseul knocks the air out of his lungs with her words.

"You're really really beautiful today," she says and runs into the kitchen where Hyunjae was watching their exchange.

Juyeon is left speechless.

"She's been trying to say it for the last three days, but somehow she was always sleeping when you were here. She got really excited when I told her that you'll be joining us for breakfast."

Iseul is hiding behind Hyunjae's legs but Juyeon can still see her full although shy smile blooming, dimples in the corner of her lips.

"Let's eat before we all are going to be late."

Hyunjae's voice shakes him back to reality and he closes the door behind himself before joining them in the kitchen.

It's way too early in the morning, so they stay quiet, every conversation forgotten for the moment. Juyeon is chewing on a mouthful of rice when Hyunjae hits his ankle with his foot, making him look up at the other. He motions with his head at his right, with an amused smile hidden by his hands and Juyeon looks to the side, barely catching Iseul's stare before she turns her head down, looking at the floor.

"Iseul. Hey, look at me," he pleads in a soft voice, fingers under the child's chin as he slowly lifts her head up a little only so that they can look each other in the eyes. "Hi," he smiles brightly and it fills him with joy when the little girl smiles back, cheeks in a tender blush while she nods repeatedly, her hair brushing against Juyeon's hands.

After breakfast Juyeon accepts the cup of black tea that Hyunjae gives without complaining because he knows that's going to be useless. And anyway he can get coffee from the cafe near the university, so he thanks him and goes to sit in the living room watching how the other two prepare themselves for the day. How Hyunjae ties Iseul hair in a perfect ponytail, how Iseul kisses his cheek right after as a thank you, how she holds her bag for Hyunjae to put her lunchbox in. They brush their teeth together because Iseul cannot quite reach the sink and Hyunjae still didn't buy her something to stand on.

Juyeon is completely absorbed into their dynamic. How they move around each other without rushing anything, how they immediately know when the other wants something from them, how they know perfectly what the next step is going to be. And he wonders what would have happened to him if the relationship with his father would have been similar to this.

Hyunjae tugs on his wrist when he wants to say goodbye to them, pulling him back towards the car. 

“Get in, I’m not letting you walk.”

“I was going to take the bus.”

“Same thing, get in. Please,” and who’s Juyeon to not melt at the plea. 

There’s a comfortable silence in the car and Juyeon loves how everything feels just right. He's listening to Hyunjae's and Iseul's conversation, answering when he's asked directly but beside that he just sits in silence and enjoys the situation. His mornings are never this active, never filled with laughing and long conversations; it's just long bus journeys when he's too tired or just simply late, he hadn't used his bicycle in a week and last night he already felt his muscles strain a few times when taking the stairs.

The sound of the door being shut makes him jump and he looks frantically around when he realizes that Hyunjae isn't next to him anymore. He meets Iseul's eyes, like she has been waiting for him to turn around and look at her and exhales when he sees Hyunjae standing behind her, waiting for her to get out.

"Bye, Juyeonie," she says and smiles brightly at him before she jumps down from her seat, taking her small bag with herself.

"'ll be right back," and the expression on Hyunjae's face is blank, shutting the car door after his daughter, leaving Juyeon in the loud emptiness of the car.

_Have I done anything to upset him? Have I thought something out loud that I shouldn't have to?_

And he's overthinking it again because he can't lose something that just started, something that he had been dreaming of for quite a long period of time. He doesn't want to ruin it.

"Hey, you're overthinking it again," Hyunjae's voice jolts him out of his daze and the hand on his cheek is way colder than it should be. "Everything's okay, right?"

And for a second Juyeon doesn't know how to answer it.

"I mean the two of use can be a little bit too loud sometimes, forgetting about the people around. I wasn't ignoring you, I hope you know that," he says and there's pure honesty in his eyes, still Juyeon doesn't understand it completely. His face probably shows it.

"You were so quiet for the whole ride that I had the feeling that I might have pushed you into doing something you're not comfortable with," Juyeon slowly starts to put the pieces together and it honestly makes him want to cry again. "I thought that after last night when you said that you don't want to be alone, you would want to be around us a little more. I'm sorry if I forced you into doing something you didn't want, that wasn't my intention."

He feels the tears slowly overflowing his vision, so he pushes his head back, blinking them away before looking back at Hyunjae with a sad smile.

_Who's the one overthinking it now?_

"I'm okay. Actually, I'm more than okay. It's just so soothing to listen to the two of you talking that I don't want to interrupt it. And don't think even for a second that I don't love being around you, around her, around the both of you."

Hyunjae is obviously relieved when he kisses Juyeon firmly on the lips before pushing their foreheads together, sighing out loud.

"I don't want to lose you so quickly."

He ignores the shiver that crawls down his spine.

Juyeon is on cloud nine the whole day, he smiles brightly while chatting with others, he pays for the coffee when the girl before him in the line forgets her money, he even takes his time helping others when they ask for his help.

"What happened to you? Not that I'm not happy for you but it's surprisingly weird to see you smiling so much," Hyunjoon asks from beside him as they exit their last class for the day.

Juyeon _almost_ blurts the words out, because maybe Hyunjoon is the pretty boy who even though Juyeon treated like trash is still by his side ever since that ominous house party happened, but he cannot trust him - and it's only because the next morning when they woke up, naked in some stranger's bed, the other blamed everything that happened between them on the alcohol. It is a clear lie, but Juyeon knows the disadvantages of being openly out so he understands, but that doesn't mean that he has to accept it. 

"Managed to get a decent amount of sleeping and caught up with some old friends," it's only half a lie but he doesn't want to think about it more than it's necessary. Youngjae had texted him two weeks ago that he's back in Seoul and wants to meet up with him. And even though Juyeon has always put the people he loved before himself, he left the younger on read. He still hasn't answered it and he doesn't think he will do it in the near future either.

Hyunjoon looks at him with his typical ‘ _I know you're lying’_ face but shrugs his shoulders in indifference after Juyeon doesn't budge.

"Wanna grab something to eat before going home?"

Juyeon wants to agree but his phone beeps with a new message and he stops walking to check it. It makes him smile immediately. 

**[01:10] Hyunjae-hyung:** when are you free?

**[01:10] Juyeon:** just finished my classes for the day

And he waits patiently when he sees the bubbles moving on the bottom of the screen. He can feel Hyunjoon's eyes on him, but doesn't think about it too much.

**[01:11] Hyunjae-hyung:** wanna grab lunch with me?

**[01:11] Juyeon:** of course!!!!!!!!

He knows that his excitement is obvious.

**[01:13] Hyunjae-hyung:** are you still at the university? if not text me where you are so that I can pick you up

"I'm going to -"

"Cancel it," Hyunjoon finishes his sentence effortlessly even before Juyeon has the opportunity to look at him after pocketing his phone. He doesn't look bothered by it, but Juyeon knows that deep down he's disappointed. "It's okay, but the coffee's on you tomorrow."

Hyunjae picks him up after ten minutes and kisses him softly on his cheeks when Juyeon closes the car door.

"Hey," he says and this time kisses Juyeon delicately on his lips.

Juyeon falls just a little bit deeper for him.

The place where Hyunjae takes him is an open terrace on the top of a smaller building. It's nice; it has a minimalist design and it's filled with all kinds of plants. In the heat of the day, the silence settles around them and Juyeon welcomes it with open arms. He needs it.

At one point he feels like he is being watched and looks up to catch Hyunjae staring at him intensively, his eyes almost black.

"What?" he asks, panic taking over his mind.

"Nothing," he shakes his head and goes back to eating.

"It's clearly not nothing."

"Juyeon."

"Tell me."

"Why? So that you can drive yourself mad too?"

"Why would I -"

"Leave it!"

He doesn't shout but the raise of his voice is enough for Juyeon to close his mouth. He doesn't finish his meal.

As the elevator closes after them, Juyeon kisses him hard on the mouth, relief flooding his senses when Hyunjae doesn't push him away and kisses him back just as hard.

"It's not me, right? I haven't done anything wrong, right? Please don't be mad at me," he begs against Hyunjae's lips when they come up for air before connecting their lips again while pushing the other against the mirror wall with his hand tugging forcefully into the blonde hair.

And Hyunjae lets him, lets him do anything he wants.

When Juyeon leaves his lips to kiss down his neck, Hyunjae threads his fingers through his hair, exhaling loudly.

"How could I be mad at you?"

After he gets home, Juyeon drowns himself into his studies, because he doesn't want his mind to concentrate on the small voice in his head telling him that he isn't enough for Hyunjae to stay with him, that he is too weak and much of a struggle and right now Hyunjae doesn't need another kid to take care of when his life is already complicated enough. He shuts it off.

_He doesn't need someone with so many insecurities._

His books are scattered all around the floor of the living room, the final paper he has to write is halfway done. He will finish it by morning if he stays up and after class, he can start with the other one.

Juyeon wants to feel the numbness of those long nights when he was exhausted to the bone but he still worked hard to get his mind from wandering. He wants to cry too because every time he hears a door opening and closing on the hallway he thinks of Hyunjae and their lunch, he thinks about the last kiss the other gave him before leaving and it pains him.

_Why did you look at me like that?_

It's 8PM when he makes his third coffee, standing by the open kitchen window to cool down. The sky is already more purple than blue and he can see the shape of the full moon over the top of the buildings. It is relatively quiet with only a few people passing by. It's oddly satisfying to watch.

The ring of the bell shocks him, spilling coffee over his hand. It's scalding hot and it bites into his skin, the burning spreading over his fingers. He puts the cup down, brushes his hand in his shirt and goes to open the door.

He doesn't expect Hyunjae to be standing there with Iseul in his arms and a bag full of groceries.

"Hope it's okay, Iseul said that we should have dinner with you as an apology because I've hurt you."

Juyeon can hear the struggle in his voice and it saddens him just enough, but he takes the bag nonetheless, letting them in. His hand hurts where the bag cuts into his burned skin. He grits his teeth together and takes it to the kitchen before finally putting it under the freezing water. It hurts, but not enough to be compared with the ache in his chest. It's suffocating again.

"What happened?"

He looks at Hyunjae standing at the door, face painted with hurt.

_"Nothing."_

And he really means it, but the word leaves a bitter taste in his mouth when he realizes the similarity of the situation.

Hyunjae instead of getting angry at him - because he expects him to get angry -, comes closer while taking cautious looks at his hand.

"Did you hurt yourself?" he asks.

_"Leave it,"_ he bites back and takes his hand from under the water.

Hyunjae doesn't listen to him, taking it into his own hands. His fingers brush gently across his skin. It burns.

"Sit down and put some ice on it while I prepare the food."

Juyeon listens, but he doesn't know if it's because he got used to it or because he doesn't want to argue.

He takes a pack of ice and goes to sit in the living room where Iseul is busy having a staring fight with Joy, who looks actually pretty scared of the little girl.

"It hates me?" she asks when she sees how fast the kitten jumps into Juyeon's lap when he settles on the couch, burying her head into the touch.

"No, she's just scared of new people," he explains, scratching the kitten behind her ear, chuckling at the startled expression on Iseul's face when Joy starts purring.

She forgets about the world, about being this close to Juyeon and extends her hand towards the kitten like a peace offering and he watches with great amusement how Joy eventually pushes her nose against her fingers before letting the kid pet her on the head.

Juyeon goes back to his studies, leaving them on the couch to play around. He catches snippets from the words Iseul tells, but he's too focused on finishing his work to actually listen. He shuts her voice out of his mind and welcomes the familiar numbness with relief.

He doesn't notice the passing of time until he reaches for his coffee and doesn't find it. He snaps back to reality, looking around in the dimly lit room, finding Hyunjae curled up on the couch with Iseul sleeping in his arms.

"Did you finish it?" he asks.

Juyeon shakes his head and watches him stand up and carry Iseul carefully into Juyeon's bedroom, shutting the door gently behind himself.

Juyeon just stares at the closed door, stills himself, and waits for something to happen. Anything.

After a while, Hyunjae shuts the door just as gently and sits down next to him on the ground.

"I'm not mad at you. You've done nothing for me to feel that way about you. I just," he stops, searches for the right words. “I just saw my marks on your skin when your shoulder got exposed and my first thought was that we are moving too fast and I can seem to be able to stop it. I know that you're going to hate me for saying this but you're still so young and it scares me to think that I could hurt you or ruin you in an irreversible way. I could never forgive myself. You have to understand that I can't live my life knowing that I made you suffer."

"That's not something you can just simply avoid. You'll hurt me eventually, I'll probably do it too. But you can't take away this from me. I _won't_ let you take this away from me. I want to get hurt if it means that you'll stay with me."


	5. HJ: First Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is part of the past, so why can’t Hyunjae stop thinking of him.

_“I want to get hurt if it means that you'll stay with me.”_

It’s the only thing that he can think of. The words have been stuck in his mind, on repeat, tirelessly playing the same thing like an old recorder. If he closes his eyes, Juyeon’s expression lights up immediately behind them and he doesn’t know what is worse. Seeing it, hearing it, or both at the same time. How he looked so determined and sure of himself while saying those heart-shattering words. What does he know about those inhuman sacrifices? How could he just let those words leave his lips without seriously thinking about them? 

_How much have you been hurt to think like this?_

The people around him could never speak these words without their voice shaking because Hyunjae was never someone for whom people would get hurt intentionally. His mother was a coward for leaving him, Iseul’s mother was also a coward for leaving them. _He_ wasn’t a coward for leaving, _he_ was someone cruel who made Hyunjae believe in empty words and white lies, ruining him for everyone who came after him. Because even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself, deep down he still hasn't let the other go. Deep down he is still _in love with him_ and the feelings haunt him almost every day. 

⚬

His first memory was from the fragile age of 6, the first day of elementary school when he saw him for the first time in his life.

_He_ is standing beside the young woman who brought Hyunjae here this morning, looking around aimlessly, watching parents search for their kids in the crowd. He catches Hyunjae staring at him and waves at him shortly, before turning his head in another direction while asking something from the woman standing next to her. She seems to be losing her patience, her answer is just a few half words and it's clear to Hyunjae that she doesn't want to be here, waiting for him.

He's familiar with the expression that people make when they are forced to do something they don't want. It's the same one he makes when he's forced to play with the other kids. The utter annoyance that makes him grit his teeth together and curls his fingers into fists, before he has the chance to throw a fit. Because it doesn't work. The people at the orphanage don't waste their time with those inconveniences, they just step over them and let them calm down on their own. Negligence is probably the cruelest thing that he has ever witnessed to this point. That's why he holds it back - at least they don't ask them to smile.

But Hyunjae is completely fine and unbothered by her expression because she doesn't matter to him, probably she will never do. Still, he goes over to them with quick steps because even if he doesn't care about her, he doesn't want to be on her bad side.

The boy catches him coming closer, opens his lips to say something but Hyunjae cannot decipher the words from this far. The woman looks over and Hyunjae is surprised when her face becomes relieved instead of distorting with anger. He's not afraid of her but she scares him sometimes because he cannot read her correctly most of the time and doesn't know what to expect.

He will never be able to figure people out. 

There is a half-smile in the corner of her lips when Hyunjae stops before them. She doesn't ask him how his day was, but ruffles his hair and there is a strangely calm feeling how her fingers twist between his black locks.

"Hyunjae-ah, this is Sangyeon," she says, crouching down to be on the same level as him before pointing her finger to the boy by her side. Hyunjae thinks that his smile is one of the warmest things that he had ever seen. "He just came back home so he's unable to attend school for the time being, but he's going to be the one who will wait for you after school to take you back home."

She uses the word _home_ too recklessly, they all use it like that and Hyunjae doesn't like it one bit.

He's feeling slightly uncomfortable with having to waste someone's time with small things like taking care of him, but he doesn't understand the feeling totally which makes him only nod in Sangyeon's direction without looking him in the eyes.

"I have to go now, make sure you listen to Sangyeon," she says before standing up and leaning closer to the boy to whisper in his ear. "Take care of him."

Sangyeon is looking at Hyunjae with that same warm smile, nods his head to the woman's words but doesn't really listen. She ruffles Hyunjae's hair again before leaving without saying goodbye. Hyunjae has the feeling that somehow he's going to miss her, even though he only knew her for a week. He doesn't even remember her name. Was it something with spring?

Hyunjae looks at her slowly disappearing silhouette getting lost in the crowd, before turning towards Sangyeon and reaching for his hand. _"You got to hold hands, so you don't get lost."_ That is what they were taught since they were little. At this point it comes naturally to him to hold whoever's hands he has to hold. Hyunjae likes holding hands, he likes it because it makes him feel less lonely.

The other gets startled by the touch but doesn't pull away, instead, he just looks at Hyunjae's smaller hand trying to fit against his, before intertwining their fingers and giving a light squeeze to it.

"Let's go back."

He doesn't use the word home and Hyunjae starts to like him a little bit more.

It takes Hyunjae one week before he figures out that he has been lied to, _again._ Sangyeon is just like the others, he is just like him. Alone, without parents who love and cherish him. He didn't come back from a different country or from a different city. No, he was given back by people who were supposed to love and cherish him. He just got back to the hell from where he managed to break free for a short period of time.

Hyunjae doesn't hate him for lying; he despises the people who lied about him even when he knew that they have been living under the same roof. He's too little to understand it, to understand why some feel the need to lie about things. _It doesn't make things prettier or easier. They just hurt._

"I know that you live here too," he says one time while they were doing their homework in one of the hidden corners of the garden.

Sangyeon looks at him, the pen in his hand forgotten in midair.

"I'm sorry," says, but looks away.

"I'm not angry," because that's the only thing that he's sure of.

After that everything becomes a blurriness of long summers with hours spent under the night sky while stargazing and cold autumns when the rain won't stop for weeks; winter holiday spent cuddled up under the blankets and listening to Sangyeon reading for him. Hyunjae loves his voice and could listen to it for a really long time. It's so soothing that he even falls asleep a few times when the warmth around them is almost too much, with Sangyeon's arm a familiar weight around his shoulders.

It happens in the middle of the summer vacation before Hyunjae will start highschool, when he realizes that he misses Sangyeon more than he thought. He's away for the university entrance exams and a week has already passed since he last saw him. Hyunjae didn't even have the opportunity to say goodbye to him, he only remembers the soft press of lips against his forehead when he was slightly shaken from his dreams.

He starts to think about when they have become so close, about how they're always together in their free time, about how they share everything and don't hide anything from the other. At the end, he realizes that it has been like that forever. He doesn't remember a time when they weren't close.

Hyunjae doesn't have a name for his feelings towards Sangyeon, but he knows for sure that it's more than what people usually feel for their friends. He becomes impatient and he notices that he starts missing the other even more, now that he is more conscious about his feelings.

He stays in Sangyeon's room for most of the time because the outside heat is overwhelming and because he can wear the other clothes without the other laughing at him.

He loves how the hoodie he's wearing right now is covering his knuckles and reaching past his mid-thighs. He has the material of it covering half of his face, inhaling the faint smell of oranges and something he can't name. His mouth waters at the thought of biting into a fresh orange, the sweet taste of it exploding in his mouth, a few drops dripping down from the corner of his lips, only for Sangyeon to lick them up effortlessly before kissing him.

His eyes snap open, he puts his fingers to his lips only to realize that he's alone and Sangyeon will probably never look at him like that ever.

That night he forgets to return to his room and wakes up in the middle of his dreams to Sangyeon sliding in next to him on the bed with his arms around his waist and a soft _"It's okay, go back to sleep"_ whispered into his ear.

Nothing changes between them and Hyunjae doesn't know if he should be feeling relieved or annoyed. Relieved because he still has the other, annoyed because their relationship is still somehow the same, but he can see the other hesitating sometimes. It's like he has something to say, but holds it back right before he would open his lips. It's frustrating and Hyunjae wishes that he would just say the words out loud and put an end to this lukewarm in-between situations.

Until it's already too late and Sangyeon's secret is out. And Hyunjae feels hate for the first time. Hate for the way silence settled between them without him even seeing it. Hate for how the subtle way of how Sangyeon managed to distance himself from him.

"And when did you want it to tell me? At the train station?"

"You know that's not right."

"Why not? You were going to leave in two days without even saying goodbye to me!"

"You're wrong!"

"Prove it!" he says and the tension in the air is unbearable. Sangyeon doesn't move and Hyunjae feels like giving up. So many feelings for a coward who doesn't deserve it. But he still tries to make it work somehow because he can't just let it all go this easily.

He looks up straight into Sangyeon's eyes with a harsh look that cuts the moment in half.

"Hyunjae -"

"Prove it to me that you were not going to leave me without a goodbye! Fuckin' prove it!" he shouts, his voice is loud in the empty room.

Sangyeon's expression hardens, throwing the jacket in his hand to the side and takes the first step in Hyunjae's direction. He won. He made him crumble, the soft facade finally in pieces at his mercy.

He stops before him, their chest touching. They are almost the same height, but Sangyeon tugs forcefully in his hair to make Hyunjae look at him and the pain sends chills down his spine.

"Tell me to stop!" and it's a warning if Hyunjae ever heard one.

"Don't," he says the word and their mouths connect immediately. It's bruising how fast and hard their lips move against each other, how Sangyeon's grip on his hair is bringing tears to his eyes, how his heart is going insane in his rib cage. It's too much and he loves it, because it finally breaks that plain grayness around them. It finally _feels_ like something.

He loves how Sangyeon keeps kissing him even though they are both out of air, how his other hand is a solid pressure on his hip and he can feel how it digs into his skin. He's light-headed and breathing hard when they separate, but he is absolutely intoxicated by the sound of his heartbeat loud in his ears and by the warmth that radiates from Sangyeon's body. It feels like getting burned alive and he doesn't want the feeling to stop, ever. _He wants it to burn if it means that he stays._

"I'm going to come back for you and I'm going to take you away from this place."

And Hyunjae clings onto that promise like his life depended on it.

For four years he waits for the holidays when he can see Sangyeon again. He brings back gifts in the winter and takes Hyunjae to Seoul in the spring. They spend the whole summer tangled up in the tall grass in the back of the garden and Hyunjae doesn't see the light fading from Sangyeon's eyes when he has to go back. Hyunjae skips his own graduation to reach the train for Seoul so that he can watch Sangyeon's graduation ceremony. The look of surprise on Sangyeon's face is definitely worth it for the scolding that he's going to get when he gets back to the orphanage.

Sangyeon takes him out on a date and even holds his hands where the crowd is big so that he doesn't get lost. It's a day filled with loud chatter, bright sunlight and smiles that never drop.

Hyunjae loves the cold sheets against his heated skin while Sangyeon worships his body, not leaving a single spot out, kissing every inch of his skin, biting into the soft flesh until Hyunjae's skin turns into a white canvas overflowing with lilacs.

He takes his sweet time loosening him up and fucks Hyunjae into the bed with painfully slow thrusts until he's a whining mess who can only scream for _more_ and _harder_ when Sangyeon finally gives him what he wants.

_"You're absolutely gorgeous like this."_

Hyunjae's loud moans fill the room when he comes, looking at the other above him and how the red neon light paints his face with something he doesn't notice.

Hyunjae falls asleep with the familiar feeling of a warm body beside him and lips on his skin.

He wakes up to an empty room and a note with a hastily written apology on it and he cries himself into the white sheets of the empty hotel room when he realizes that he was never meant to stay with him.

⚬

Hyunjae swallows the bitterness of the memory and tries to fall asleep without success. His frustration is rising when he checks his phone for the time, the cold light harsh on his eyes, the digits burning into his vision. 

There is an unread message from Juyeon from a few minutes ago.

**[03:20] Juyeon:** are you awake? can i come over?

It's been a week since he last saw the other. It was like Juyeon giving space for him and Hyunjae took it unintentionally. It got to the point where even Iseul got mad at him for leaving earlier than necessary for avoiding the younger.

He ignores the message because he's too frustrated to think with a calm mind and he doesn't want to hurt Juyeon more than this.

But there is another message on the screen. This one a little more desperate than the previous and it shakes Hyunjae's feelings.

**[03:35] Juyeon:** i miss you so much

It hurts because he misses the other too.

Before the screen can get completely dark there is another message.

**[03:36] Juyeon:** fuck, i wanna hold you so bad

Hyunjae bites down on his bottom lip when a wave of heat washes over him. Slowly but surely he loses his control.

Juyeon is already at the door when Hyunjae opens it and it seems that he has forgotten about how ethereal the younger looks when his breath hitches at the image of Juyeon's dark blue hair falling over his clean undercut, the piercing catching light in the dimly lit hallway. The look in Juyeon's eyes is violent and Hyunjae feels the blood rushing in his veins when at the end it settles on his face. Hyunjae gets turned on so fast that he doesn't even have the time to get embarrassed by it.

Before he's aware of it, the door is closed behind Juyeon's back and he's leaving hungry kisses down his exposed neck, pulling him towards his bedroom until he can push Hyunjae down on the bed, kissing him breathless.

"I want to -" but Hyunjae doesn't have the patience to wait for it.

"Fuck me until I won't know about myself," he demands and connects their lips again, biting down hard until he can taste the blood in his mouth, then licking it clean with his tongue.

"Behave," Juyeon whispers into his ear before curling his fingers around both of Hyunjae's wrist, pushing them over his head, into the soft material of the pillow. "Don't you dare to move."

Hyunjae watches him leave the bed, opening the drawers randomly until he finds what he's looking for, the dark color of Hyunjae's silk ties curling beautifully around his hands.

Juyeon ties his wrist together skillfully.

"Open up," he commends and Hyunjae's lips open without him even trying. Juyeon folds the other one and places it in between his lips. "Be a good boy and try not to make too much noise." It should feel degrading, but the muscles in his stomach tighten and he whines and the sound is muffled. The material of the tie is strange against his tongue, but he doesn't hate it. In fact, he absolutely loves how Juyeon slowly takes all his senses away, takes away all his options and he can't even beg for it.

Juyeon doesn't waste his time being gentle and caring. He takes the lube from the pocket of his jeans, coats his fingers, and inserts all three at the same time.

There are sparks exploding behind his closed eyes, his back curving, and the sounds get stuck in his throat. He loves the way the pressure and pain burn him from inside, pushing his hips to meet Juyeon's thrusts because he needs it and if he won't get it then he might actually go insane.

Juyeon pushes his hips down on the bed, his hands covering almost his whole thigh. Hyunjae cries out of frustration.

"I said, _behave_ ," he growls, voice lower than he has ever heard before. Hyunjae bites down hard on the tie and tries to remain still. He can't.

Brings his legs behind Juyeon, trying to curl around his thighs only to be pushed down again.

"You don't want to behave? Then you won't get to see it."

Juyeon pulls him up by the waist and flips him over into his elbows and knees, before he starts moving his fingers inside him, brushing against that spot inside him that makes him lose his mind. His fingers move in and out without slowing down and they keep making him see stars.

"You don't want it gentle, right?"

He shakes his head.

"Good, because I don't want it either."

Hyunjae feels the tip of Juyeon's cock push through the first ring of muscles and his eyes roll back into his head at the pleasure it brings to his senses.

"You should see yourself, how fucking perfect you look like this."

And Hyunjae is way too dazed out to register the words.

His first few thrusts are slow until he finds the perfect rhythm and Hyunjae is reduced to nothing, because all he can do is take everything that Juyeon gives him. And Juyeon gives him everything. Fucks him mercilessly into the sheets, his grip on Hyunjae’s waist is almost painful as he keeps abusing that sweet spot inside him. It's too much and not enough at the same time.

Right before he can feel the pleasure overtake his every sense, his mind shuts down and he loses his consciousness. The last thing he remembers is feeling his body falling. 

When he opens his eyes again he sees Juyeon looking at him with a worried expression. He closes them again and lets the tears fall down his face. 


	6. JY: Insecurities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a constant emotional roller coaster and Juyeon doesn't think that he can take it any longer.

That was definitely not how he imagined things to work out, and now he’s regretting everything starting from those childish and needy text messages to his harsh words to Hyunjae. He should have kept himself in check and thought about the other before his needs and feelings close to abandonment. And it’s not that Hyunjae didn’t want it, because Juyeon could hear his choked up whines through the material of the tie. It’s not even close to the fact that he blanked out of the intensity - although it scarred Juyeon greatly. It’s the tears. Those damned tears that kept flowing down his face and about which he didn’t want to talk. 

_“I don’t want to.”_

Still, Juyeon hugged him through the remaining hours of the night, wiping away every fresh set of tears that escaped from under his closed eyes. 

He wakes up to an empty bed and it makes him feel even worse. He wants to believe that Hyunjae left because of work and not because he didn’t want to face him and talk. Maybe it’s both the reasons, but his insecurities grow by the second and it makes his heart ache. He should have known that he won’t get the other to open up this early in their relationship, but he likes to hang onto unreal and absurd ideas until they break and let him fall. He never learns from them. 

His concept of time is messed up, but the sun’s so high that it’s probably too late and he had missed all his classes today. 

Closing his eyes, he pushes his face into the pillow and inhales the faded scent of Hyunjae’s aftershave, hoping that it will calm him down, instead it makes him suffer more and miss him even more. Juyeon curls his fingers into the sheets and exhales loudly.

_What a fucking fool._

And he thinks about how something can go from being insanely addictive to constant sadness and heart wrenching pain. 

He should have known no to fall so fast for Hyunjae, but he’s still very naive and believes in feelings at first sight. His groan is muffled by the pillow, grip tightening and it makes him mad, how weak he is, how his feelings make him vulnerable and exposed. 

Juyeon feels the dip on the bed, before he feels the familiar fingers running through his hair. He sighs into the pillow when they tug lightly on it and hates how this feels like only a fragment of his memory and not like the real thing.

“Morning, gorgeous,” there are soft lips whispering next to his ears before they leave a tender kiss on his forehead.

Juyeon opens his eyes and stares at Hyunjae, who continues to run his fingers through his hair, an easy smile on his lips as he watches him. 

“Why are you here?”

“Is there a problem with me being in my own apartment?”

The tone of his voice is bland and Juyeon can’t figure it out if he’s joking or asking matter-of-factly. 

“You don’t have work today?”

“Baby, do you want me gone this badly?”

He’s joking, but Juyeon can’t be really angry at him because he’s smiling again and that is everything he needs now.

“How are you? Did I hurt you?” but he’s afraid of the answers.

“I’m definitely sore, there’s a constant burning in my back and the thought that I’ve kept you away from doing it before is annoying me to no end. I can still feel you inside me and it’s making me hot all over again.”

And this is exactly why Juyeon was afraid of these answers, because he’s making a joke out of his own suffering and of Juyeon’s insecurities and anxiety of hurting him. 

“Are you really okay?”

He doesn’t get an answer this time either, Hyunjae shuts him out just like he did last night. But Juyeon can’t want to stay around him when he obviously has problems involving him, but doesn’t want to talk about them to him. He’s too tired to tiptoe around others, being careful about what he says and how he acts. So he pushes himself up and leaves the other alone in bed while he searches for his clothes. When Hyunjae realizes what he's up to, he sits up rapidly, eyes wide.

“Where are you going?”

Juyeon doesn’t answer him, instead, he pulls the hoodie over his head and leaves the room.

“Juyeon!”

But he doesn’t have the patience for him.

“Juyeon! Come back!”

He can hear the sound of footsteps getting closer but he still doesn’t stop. 

_How can you ask me to stay when you clearly don’t want me here?_

Hyunjae crashes into him, hugs him tight with his arm linked together over his chest, burying his face between his shoulder blades. 

“Don’t go,” he whispers and it should be sad how his voice breaks at the end.

“Why, so we can play pretend together?! That everything is okay when you’re happy but when things go wrong I should just stay away. Do you honestly think that it doesn’t pain me when you’re hurt and hide it?”

“Juyeon -”

He breaks out from the arms around himself and turns to face the other. 

“How long do you think I’ll be believing this pathetic façade that you put on?”

“I -”

“I get it that I’m young and that you don’t want to hurt me and all the other lies that you’ve been telling me to believe. But I’m not gonna play this game with you, either you give it to me with the bad and ugly sides too or I’m not wanting it at all!”

Hyunjae’s face darkens and he knows that he touched a sensitive spot. Maybe finally they will get somewhere with this conversation, however, he isn’t ready when Hyunjae’s words feel like getting punched into the gut. 

“Maybe no one told you, but everyone has secrets that they don’t want to share. And the past is that ugly side that I don’t want to share, no matter how much you’ll cry about me being unfair and fake. This is why I told you that you’re too young. You don’t want to understand or you simply don’t understand that people are weak and while some embrace it and move on with their lives, some hide behind masks because that’s what makes them stronger, even if it’s false. And I don’t want to sound cruel to you, but every relationship needs to have boundaries between the individuals; right now you’re intentionally pushing my boundaries and it’s making me uncomfortable. You’ll never get anyone who’ll give themselves to you entirely. Juyeon, people are not treasure boxes, you don’t get to open them when you want and take everything you want. If you can’t move past the thought that I’m not willing to share every single thing with you, then I’m really sorry, but that’s not going to change.”

They went back to square one so fast that even Juyeon’s disappointment can’t manifest completely. 

“All that is beside the question and I think that you’re missing the point. I didn’t ask for your past. I asked if you are okay or if I hurt you. Yet, here you are making these absolutely unnecessary comments about how good I fucked you last night, instead of telling me why you cried yourself to sleep. You are making a fucking joke out of your pain and my anxiety, and I don’t like it one bit. Do you think that it makes me feel good? That I take pride in it? Do you think that I didn’t panic when you lost consciousness? Or do you even care to know that I too cried myself to sleep? That I even skipped my classes today because of how messed up I am. Do you think about these too? Or just about that damned past which you can’t get over even though it already happened and you can’t change it. I’m not fucking interested in your past, Hyunjae! I’m interested in the present and maybe _our_ future. But if you keep making excuses and bringing the past up, I’ll move on. I can’t change it and I don’t want to, but I can be good to you today and tomorrow too and the years that come, but only if you let me. _Do you want me or your shadows from the past?_ ” 

Juyeon is out of breath when he finishes speaking and waits patiently for Hyunjae to answer him. But the other stays silent and eventually it makes him give up. What is even more saddening that Hyunjae doesn’t hold him back this time. 

Before he’s out on the door, he turns back one last time.

“Tell me one more thing,” he says and waits until Hyunjae lifts his gaze and looks him in the eye. “Is Sangyeon also someone from the past?”

The look of horror on his face says it all.

“Thought so,” and he shuts the door behind himself. 

The moment he closes the door to his own apartment, he slips down to the ground and cries. Cries because it hurts like hell. He’s feeling used and empty and all he wants to do is curl up under his blanket and cease to exist to the world for at least the day. 

Clearly, life has other things for him when there is a series of repeated knocks on the door. If he ignores it then maybe whoever is on the outside will eventually leave.

“If you don’t open it, I’ll kick the damn door down!” Hyunjoon’s voice booms from the other side and Juyeon is so stunned he forgets to move. “Don’t test me! You know I’m capable of doing it!”

He opens it quickly before the neighbors can complain about the noise.

Hyunjoon stands there with his freshly dyed black hair and white billowy shirt that’s too big on his skinny frame and a pair of black jeans. Juyeon stands there and wonders if things would be better if they would have met in a different way. 

Hyunjoon looks at him, at his red eyes, the wet tear marks on his face and the absolute suffering on his face, how his tall frame looks extremely small right now and his eyes soften.

“Is your new lover the one doing this to you?” he asks, pushing the door close behind himself before wiping the tears away, the rings on his fingers a cool contrast on his warm skin. 

His new lover who speaks another man’s name while being in his arms. It should not hurt him if Hyunjae would talk about it, but he keeps it a secret and that doesn’t sit right with him. He’s clearly not over the other person if even in his dreams he whispers his name while _crying._

Juyeon sighs into the touch and lets another set of fresh tears running down his face.

“I’m so gone for him.”

When he realizes what he just said it’s too late to take the words back. Hyunjoon looks unbothered.

“And he’s being a difficult bastard I guess,” his voice is void of emotions but Juyeon can sense the underlying venom in them. 

“He is -” but he can’t finish his sentence as he chokes on another cry and crumbles to the floor. Hyunjoon is next to him, hugging him close as his shoulders tremble, chest painfully tight. 

“Let it all out.”

And he cries. Cries until he loses his voice; until he can’t feel the pain in his chest anymore; until his eyes hurt; until he becomes numb _again._

Hyunjoon stays with him until he calms down, hands moving in a soothing motion across his back. He helps him to stand up, settles him down on the couch and brings him a tall glass of water.

“Drink it.”

Then he goes to search for a towel to wet with cold water and gently wipes the dried tears from his skin, over his eyes and chapped, over bitten lips. He gets him another glass of water and pushes him gently to the side before hugging him from the back and slips his fingers between Juyeon’s before holding it tightly. Juyeon feels the cold touch of his dangling earring against his naked shoulder, his stable heartbeat against his spine and he turns his head towards him to catch the other looking at him too. 

They are close, faces only inches away. It’s silent and he doesn’t hear anything else but the chattering coming from the street under them. They are both calm, no one is rushing anything, Juyeon can feel the air between them become warmer. It’s intimate, how softly Hyunjoon’s fingers dance across his cheekbones, smooth over his bottom lip before tucking a stray lock behind his ears, touching the back of it gently then sliding down his neck and coming back to settle on the corner of his lips.

Their staring doesn’t break even when he leans closer, noses almost touching. 

There is no warning sign in his head to stop what’s coming next, it’s inevitable. 

Hyunjoon’s lips are soft against his own, the kiss just a sweet touch of the love they can’t share. Because Juyeon doesn’t love him like that and he doesn’t want their relationship to be like that. He pushes his lips against Hyunjoon’s firmly, because now it’s the only time he will let himself have it. He lets Hyunjoon’s hand wander across his body, down his sides and up his back, letting his fingers curl into his hair. He lets it happen because he’s defenseless, because right now he doesn’t want to fight anymore. 

It’s no more than a few seconds, their breath mixing together when they part, foreheads touching.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers into the small space between them.

_Sorry for kissing you when I don’t feel the same way about you. Sorry for not being strong enough for myself. Sorry for being a kid that doesn’t understand you. I’m so sorry for everything._

“You can’t blame yourself for everything.”

He and Hyunjae go back to ignoring each other. He texts the other at the beginning but when his fourth message is also ignored, he doesn’t give it another try. At least until he’s not forced to interact.

Juyeon closes the apartment door behind himself when his phone starts ringing loud in the empty hallway. Youngjae’s name flashes brightly on his screen. He leaves it to ring out.

“Are you really that angry at me?”

The voice takes him by surprise and he barely catches himself from not dropping his phone. Youngjae is leaning against the wall on the other side of the hallway, phone in his hand. The annoyed look on his face is unjustified, that’s what Juyeon thinks. 

“You gave plenty of reasons for me to be not just angry but even mad at you. I thought that after everything we had, it should be obvious that I only ever ignore people with whom I really don’t want to talk.” 

“You didn’t even give me a chance to explain, why are you judging me so hard?”

“What? You’re really going to manipulate me emotionally? Is that really your last chance? That’s low even for you, Youngjae,” and he can’t help but chuckle. “Am I really the one who didn’t give you a chance? Or are you the one who didn’t even want to give me a reason? Because the last thing I know was when you walked right past me without even saying _hi,_ in an empty coffee shop in the middle of the damn night, where no one, absolutely no one would have seen us interact. And then you leave without notice for god knows how long and when you come back you just expect me to jump at every chance that I got to talk to you. Do you think that I’m that desperate? Do you think that I didn’t move on already? That I’m still waiting for you to come back and save me?”

And he does that one thing he swore to himself he wouldn’t. He turns around and knocks forcefully on the door of Hyunjae’s apartment. Youngjae just looks at him unintelligibly. Juyeon knocks on it again, this time more determined. He’s looking for an easy way out even though he knows that it’ll leave him bleeding later. 

Hyunjae opens the door and looks at him questioningly then at Youngjae, then back at him but before he can ask anything, Juyeon tugs him by the hair but before smashing their lips together he whispers a small _be aggressive with me_ against Hyunjae’s lips and kisses him hard on the mouth. 

It happens so fast, like turning a damn switch off. 

Hyunjae fingers are in his hair, pulling him inside before shutting the door, pushing Juyeon against the door without breaking the kiss. Juyeon feels the blood in his veins rushing and for the first time in weeks, he feels relieved. He realizes that he really loves the man in front of him, no matter how many times he has hurt him. He clings onto his shoulder like he never wants to let him go again. 

“I’m not letting you go again. Never again.”

Maybe he’s naive, but he believes every word whispered to him. 


	7. HJ: Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a voice inside his head that tells him that he'll never be enough for anyone.

They are back at ignoring each other and Hyunjae is absolutely mad that things keep repeating themselves in the exact same way. _The exact same way._

The walls which he had built around himself over the years are the only reason why he hadn’t lost his mind yet. Because people leave. They _always_ leave. Juyeon will surely leave him at some point or another. Not because he will give up on understanding Hyunjae, but because he will have no other reason to stay.

His mother didn’t have a reason to stay. Sangyeon didn’t have a reason to stay. Iseul’s mother didn’t have a reason to stay. Juyeon won’t have a reason to stay either. 

Because Hyunjae is _not enough_ of a reason for the people around him to stay. 

Iseul stopped asking for Juyeon when the last time Hyunjae broke down and cried at the sound of the other’s name, but she keeps her distance and it’s really saddening to see how much the child is influenced by all the hurt happening around him. She smiles at him, but it doesn’t reach her ears. She tells him about her day, but doesn’t overshare. She looks at the door of Juyeon’s apartment every single time they leave or arrive back, but she keeps his name out of her mouth. 

She does all of this for him, but Hyunjae sees how her wide dark eyes are becoming dull and how her every move becomes slower. The small things that people usually don’t bother to care about, because they are so small that they get pushed back in the dark corners of the mind until they get forgotten. 

The small things like the scent of oranges on _his_ hoodie, like the unopened letters on the bottom of a box, like the empty secrets whispered to a heart too vulnerable to understand them. 

Small things like his trembling body between his arms, like his lips soft and wet against his own, like his hands over his across the table. His warm body next to his cold one.

_Fuck._

He misses it, he misses everything they had in the last weeks. The touches, the smiles, the warmth. He misses Juyeon like mad, but the tiny voice in his head is stronger when the shadows of the past sit comfortably on his shoulders, and he lets it take control over him because it’s easier to ignore than to face it when he knows how things are going to end. It _always ends the same._

That’s why he gets surprised by the commotion outside their door. He can hear Juyeon’s voice loud and clear as it breaks the emptiness of the afternoon. He’s arguing with someone, but Hyunjae holds back the itch to confront them and turns his attention back at the TV, with Iseul tucked into his side, her small hands curling into the sleeve of his shirt. 

She jumps next to him when someone knocks heavily on the door, her eyes wide as she looks at him. He pushes himself up when the person behind it knocks again and goes to open it. He stares questioningly at Juyeon then at the boy behind him then back at Juyeon, but before he has the chance to open his mouth and ask him what he wants, the other slips his fingers into his hair, pulling him closer to himself and whispers against his lips before kissing him. 

At this point it’s automatic for Hyunjae to kiss him back, hands in Juyeon’s hair as he pulls him inside, shutting the door with how hard he pushes him against it and licks into his mouth feverishly. Juyeon holds him close by the shoulder like he never wants to let Hyunjae go.

“I’m not letting you go again. Never again,” he whispers against Juyeon’s lips before kissing him again. 

He will let him go when Juyeon wants to go, until then he will keep him close. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against Hyunjae’s lips and he feels the familiar pain of pushing your own self aside so the other doesn’t get hurt and he can’t let him do this to himself. He gently lifts Juyeon’s head with his hand under his chin and looks into those eyes that are slowly filling with tears. 

“We are going to make it work, okay? We are going to sit down and talk it all out so that the next time it happens, we will know how to handle it. We will make it work, I promise,” he says and wipes the tears that are already running down Juyeon’s face. “I know that I hurt you, but I hope you know that you hurt me too. Both were unintentional, that’s why I can’t stay mad at you. I hope you’re not mad at me either,” and he smiles when Juyeon shakes his head, hair falling into his eyes. 

“Do you have to go?”

Juyeon shakes his head again, wrapping his arms around Hyunjae’s middle to bring him closer.

“Do you want to stay? Iseul would really like it. I would love it too,” he asks while pushing the stay locks out of his face. His eyes are red, tears falling relentlessly but he smiles and it breaks Hyunjae’s heart how fragile he is. 

_“I want to get hurt if it means that you'll stay with me.”_

This whole incident was probably not how he meant it. Or maybe it is, but that’s not something that Hyunjae can decide. What he can do is to make sure that it never happens again. 

“I want to,” he whispers against Hyunjae’s palm and kisses it tenderly before looking at him, eyes uncertain but his lips still pulled in a smile. He looks so vulnerable right now that Hyunjae wants to keep him safe from the whole world, to hide him from everything that might hurt him or cause suffering. 

“I’m sorry,” he says and pulls Juyeon even more closer, letting him bury his face in the crook of his neck, arms tightening their hold on his waist. Hyunjae can feel his heartbeat against his own, can feel the tears wetting his skin, how they run down his neck mixing with the hot air escaping through Juyeon’s open lips. Silent cries are always the most painful ones; when it hurts so much that all you can do is try to catch your breath, the sound getting stuck in your throat, chest heaving and tight - when you want to wail like children do, scream until your lungs hurt and your mouth gets dry, until you can’t open your eyes because of the tears. Until you can _let it out._ Silent cries don’t make people feel relieved. It doesn't have that feeling of getting something off your chest. The pain gets stuck inside and it struggles between the bones of your rib cage until you’re powerful enough to mute it. _Silent cries don’t solve anything. They never do._ Hyunjae knows it, he has too many of them buried into his muscles. 

Iseul decides that their reunion needs to be celebrated and she pouts until Hyunjae gives in and takes them shopping for dinner. Juyeon is still quiet next to him, but Hyunjae intertwines their fingers at the first chance he has and it’s really adorable how Juyeon stares at it for the whole ride, giving it a light squeeze when they arrive. He smiles at Hyunjae and his lips move around a silent _thank you_ before getting out of the car. 

Iseul holds Juyeon’s hand the whole time while they shop. She tugs him with her small body like it’s nothing and all Hyunjae can do is smile at them, how her small hand curls entirely around one of Juyeon’s fingers and pulls his taller frame after herself, how easily she lets him lift her from the ground to take something from the shelf, how unconsciously she turns towards him when he talks to her. 

The way she laughs so loud that everyone in the line turns towards them and she has to hide behind him. She stays by his side even when Hyunjae is not around them. How much warmth does he radiate to have his daughter totally under his spell? Juyeon probably burns from the inside from all the love that people didn’t need from him. How heart-shattering when you can give so much but no one wants to take a single thing. 

How ironic that life paired them up this way. One that has so much love that it could burn down cities - but no one wants it. And one who has nothing left - but still gets things taken away from him. 

“You’re okay?”

Hyunjae snaps out of it by the hands on his shoulder, turning his head towards the sound. Both of them look worriedly at him, Iseul reaching out for him and Hyunjae takes her from Juyeon’s hold. She hugs him tight, her small arms around his shoulder, face buried into the crook of his neck. 

“I’m okay, just spaced out a little bit,” he reassures them, hands smoothing down her hair as he leaves a gentle kiss against her forehead. 

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” and he’s not lying. He won’t lie to Juyeon anymore, not when he has seen what it does to him. 

Iseul had fallen asleep an hour ago and since then they’ve been tiptoeing around each other. Hyunjae isn’t necessarily avoiding the conversation, he just isn’t really sure how much of it needs to be told. The real question is how much does he want to tell and how much Juyeon wants to know. 

They are sitting on the balcony, legs stretched out, their thighs touching slightly. It’s quiet outside, a few cars passing by and he can hear a muted conversation from a nearby terrace. Hyunjae feels the heat of the day accumulated into the streets slowly rising, sweat dripping down his back, sticking his shirt to it. Juyeon is staying silent next to him, but he knows by the constant movement of his fingers that he’s nervous too. 

“You know, I really want for this thing between us to work,” his voice is shaking, but he continues nonetheless. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable by telling everything, also I don’t want to make you feel like you should be the only one to take responsibility for the situation because of the reason that you’re the older between the two of us. I want us to be equal, ask each other anything but have the option to refuse if it’s something we don’t want to share. Is that okay?”

Hyunjae remains speechless next to him, but nods anyway.

“Do you want to go first? Or do you want me to start?”

He was prepared to be the only one to share, never even thought about Juyeon also wanting to tell him things. 

“Go first,” he says and braces himself for the question because he has been expecting this from the beginning. 

“Okay. I’m going to start with something easy,” he smiles at Hyunjae before he turns his stare back at the night sky, unable to look at him. “What’s the sweetest memory from your childhood?”

_Straight to the point._

Hyunjae chuckles and Juyeon immediately looks at him. 

“I never thought about my childhood as something specifically sweet. But I’ll try for you,” he says and the silence settles between them. “It’s probably the moment when he gave me one of his favorite hoodies, the one that smelled like oranges, because he was always helping in the kitchen when they prepared the afternoon snacks. Even his hair smelled like that when we went to sleep. He gave it to me right before he left for college, it’s the only thing that I have left of him.”

“You still have it?!”

“Yeah, somewhere in the bottom of one of those boxes that I didn’t open. I can’t throw it out - don’t look at me like that, I’ve tried to do it too many times to even count it; it’s the only good memory I have with him.”

Hyunjae sees the lines of his face sharpen and he can almost hear the cogs turning in his head; how the corner of his lips starts to slowly slip downwards. This was probably not what he wanted to hear. 

“It’s your turn,” he says after a while, fingers curling in the material of his shirt. 

“Tell me why do you want to be with me so bad? Why do you keep coming back to me after I hurt you?”

Because he’s aware that he’s making Juyeon suffer. He’s doing the only thing that he promised himself not to. 

“First I thought that it’s because I wanted to save you just like you did it years ago,” and Hyunjae thinks that’s quite reasonable, which also means that he knows that he needs someone if he doesn’t want to fall into pieces. “I still want to, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t think that is the reason why I’m continuously coming back to you. I think it keeps happening because I’ve fallen for you. You were the first person to see me suffer and saved me right after. You are the first person who accepted my help without knowing anything about me. And even though you still think that I’m a kid who is too inexperienced, I still want to stay by your side and learn how to live and learn how to love you.”

Who knew that saving a life would be the first step to save your own too?

But before Hyunjae can open his mouth to speak, Juyeon has the words already on his tongue. 

“ _Why are you so afraid of being with me?_ ”

He hesitates for a second, not knowing if telling everything would be a good idea but then he remembers that this is the only thing that keeps them in one place without being able to move forward.

“I have a deeply rooted fear of abandonment,” he says and links their hands together, smiling when Juyeon tightens his hold. “You know, my father died when I was just a few months old, but like I can’t honestly blame him for that, can I? On the other hand, my mother gave me up right after it happened and I’ve spent the first eighteen years of my life in an orphanage - I could blame her for leaving me alone, but I don’t know the reason why she did it.”

Hyunjae feels how Juyeon’s hand trembles in his hold.

“The first person whom I loved and have been intimate with, also left me. Right after I gave myself to him,” he can only chuckle at the memory now, he can’t even be mad like he was a week ago. He is in the right state of mind now.

The pain from Juyeon’s nails digging into his skin keeps him in place.

“Iseul’s mother just left us one day, without a word. I don’t know why she did it. I also don’t know where she’s now or what she’s doing.”

He draws small circles on the back of Juyeon’s hand while the other looks at their intertwined hands, not meeting his gaze. And Hyunjae can perfectly understand him.

“This is why I’m afraid of being with you, Juyeon. Because in the back of my mind there’s a voice that keeps telling me that no matter how much I love you, you will leave me at some point. Because,” but his voice chokes off and he blinks the tears away because it’s way harder to shape the words than he had imagined. He pulls their linked hands to his lips and kisses the knuckles before catching Juyeon’s looking at him. He’s biting down on his lips, but Hyunjae can see the tears swelling in his eyes. “ _Because I’ll never be enough of a reason to have you stay with me forever._ Nobody ever stayed for me. No one.”

And Hyunjae just can’t look at him crying, because he is crying and it’s _because of him again._

“Forgive me for not wanting to get too attached to you,” he says, but there’s a small, dry laugh in the edge of his voice. “Joke’s on me because I already am, but you have to understand that I didn’t have enough time to stitch my heart back together. I can’t have it shattered into smaller pieces.”

He lets go of Juyeon’s hand to turn his head towards him. He doesn’t look at him, hiding his face as he looks at the ground.

“Hey, look at me,” he pleads, voice gentle and barely above a whisper. Juyeon shakes his head like a stubborn child, refusing to look at him. “Juyeonie, please.” 

Juyeon lifts his head eventually and Hyunjae smiles at him tenderly before leaning closer so that their foreheads touch.

“I’m willing to give _us_ a try. But I’m begging you to be patient with me until I learn to accept the love that you want to give and share.”

Juyeon just nods, seemingly unable to form the words as his frame keeps shaking with cries. Hyunjae wants to cry too, but he has to be the stronger one this time.

“You’re so brave for giving us a try even though you know that it might get ruined.”

But then Juyeon looks up abruptly, eyes determined and Hyunjae somehow already knows what he’s going to say. He lets him because they shouldn’t have those kinds of secrets. 

“Do you still love _him?_ ”

He bites down on his tongue, because the question hurts more than it should - because it faces him with the ugly reality and he doesn’t like how weak he feels right now. But Juyeon keeps looking at him expectantly and he swallows his pride, because that’s how they are going to take the first step. 

“I still love him.”

Juyeon cradles his face between his hands, his words sharp. 

“I’m going to make you forget about him.”


	8. JY: Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings and words start to make sense when you voice them out loud.

The last images of his dream turn into a blur of faded fragments, his eyes remaining closed as he slowly stretches his legs, back curving, and the satisfying sound of bones popping fill the air. He snuggles closer to the warm body next to him and when the fingers thread gently through his hair, Juyeon purrs, leaning his head further into the touch. The light chuckle brings him completely out of his dream and he pushes his head into the crook of Hyunjae’s neck.

“How long have you been awake?”

Juyeon pulls himself closer by the hold he has on Hyunjae’s waist, pushing a knee between his thighs letting the heat of his body soak into him. 

“Half an hour, maybe more. I don’t know.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Because I didn’t want to. Thought that it would be better if I let you sleep more after everything that happened with us in the last week.”

“But it happened to you too. Aren’t you tired?” he asks, lifting himself on his elbow, tracing the deep lines under Hyunjae’s eyes. 

“Sweetheart, I can barely sleep five hours since her mother left us,” he says, pushing a stray ink lock behind Juyeon’s ears. “This is the most sleep I got in the last months. Well, this and the last two times you spent the night here. I’m getting dependent on you, Juyeonie.” 

“At least I’m not the only one with this addiction.”

“You’re not,” and smiles when Juyeon pushes his cheek against his palm. “We should spend more nights together like this for the sake of our sanity. Do you want to move in?”

Juyeon knows that he’s joking, after all the reason why they are here is because of the same thing.

“No thank you, I like my place just fine.”

Hyunjae fakes a hurt expression, lips in a pout, his eyes wider than Juyeon has ever seen them. It’s a light shade of brown, something close to the color of cinnamon with just a small hint of a playful spark on the edge. 

“And I have to take care of my baby girl too.”

“We have enough space for her too,” Juyeon lifts his brow in surprise ‘cause it doesn’t seem like a joke anymore. 

“You have signed up for one baby and not three.”

“Are you a baby too?”

Juyeon bits down on his lips, hoping that the sign is perfectly understandable for Hyunjae. It’s not something he likes to talk about, but he’s long past the stage of denying if asked. In the past it used to make him embarrassed, feeling extremely uncomfortable when people just laughed at him for saying things like he wanted to be taken care of, to submit to his partner, give all his control up for a few hours. They laughed because they’ve been brought up by conservative standards and values - in which Juyeon’s desires were technically taboos. So he never spoke about them and it seemed like no one was curious enough to ask again. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I adore taking care of the ones I love, but last time you seemed so sure of yourself that I assumed -,” it’s Hyunjae’s turn to bite the words off, staring into Juyeon’s eyes, pleading him to forgive him. “Yeah, I assumed without asking you, shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s completely okay. I should have told you from the beginning. You were not wrong to assume that I am a dominant type, but I’m not. Haven’t been into it since I broke up with him.”

Ever since Youngjae cut their bond off, Juyeon has become more vulnerable. What he did last time was out of a violent impulse to get Hyunjae to stop with his silent treatment and he’s not proud of it at all. 

“Don’t overthink it. It’s okay, I would love to take care of you.”

Hyunjae pulls him down for a short sweet kiss on the lips, before kissing both of his cheeks, nose, and forehead while Juyeon closes his eyes to enjoy the tender care. He laughs when Hyunjae brings him close enough for him to lose his balance and drop his body over the older man. 

“My sweet little kitty,” he whispers into Juyeon’s hair, running his finger gently through it while Juyeon pushes his face deeper into the crook of his neck, blushing at the pet name. “You like that?” he’s amused, chuckle low in Juyeon’s ear, and he circles his arms around his waist, flipping them around. Hyunjae is so pretty up close that Juyeon can’t help but stare at him. At the small lines around his eyes, the gentle glint in his eyes as he looks at him, the smile hiding in the corner of his lips. Juyeon is completely gone for him, enamored just by the mere presence of this man. “Let me know when you'll be comfortable having this talk, okay? I don’t want my impatience and lack of knowledge to ruin your experience.”

“You’re too good to be true,” he says, turning his head to the side because being this close to Hyunjae is almost overwhelming. 

“I’m pretty real,” he whispers into Juyeon’s ear, breath warm against his skin as his lips linger over it. “But there’s nothing admirable about me. I am average. Although I’m quite lucky to have you right here in my arms,” and with that, he leaves a loud kiss on Juyeon’s cheek. “My precious baby boy.”

Maybe Juyeon is falling for Hyunjae way faster than he should. 

“Fuck, if I had known that you’re this fragile I would have taken better care of you.”

“I’m not some fine china that breaks easily and I told you that if it means that I can be with you then getting -” Juyeon gets cut off by the finger pressed to his lips as Hyunjae silences him. 

“Don’t finish that sentence. I don’t want you to make that sacrifice. I don’t want you to get hurt just so that you could be with me. I can’t live with that on my conscience.”

“It’s not a sacrifice at all. It’s just a way of showing that I care. That I’ll stay with you no matter what, even if you hurt me sometimes. I know that you say all of this because of your past experiences, but believe me when I tell you that not everyone is like that. Not everyone leaves. They are people who stay in your life forever - well, only if you let them of course. I want to stay. And I bet that Iseul wants it too.”

The way Hyunjae smiles at him, makes him feel like things finally start to work out. That they slowly start to fall to their place effortlessly. Juyeon smiles into the next kiss, letting the weight of Hyunjae’s body keep him stable and warm. 

Brushing his hands up and down his bare arm to build up the heat under his skin, Juyeon looks out on the window, body leaning against the frame. 

“Do you think that we could maybe talk about what happened last time?” because there’s only one _last time_ that needs to be talked about. 

Hyunjae stops next to him, handing him a hot cup of coffee before leaning on the opposite side, taking a sip from his one. Juyeon can see from the corner of his eyes that he’s thinking about it, gaze lost somewhere behind him, hand stuck mid-air. 

“Which part do you want to talk about? Mine or yours?”

Juyeon forgot for a second that more things happened that morning than just that accidental slip of a name. For a moment he forgot his anxiety, his actions out of impulse, and ignorance.

“I’m okay talking about mine. Are you okay talking about yours? We didn’t quite finish last night’s discussion - if you want we can continue it today, but it’s only just a thought, no pressure.” 

Hyunjae stays silent. Juyeon doesn’t dare to look at him, twisting the cup idly between his fingers.

“Sounds like a plan,” says Hyunjae finally. “Here hold this for me while I wake her up,” he says, holding out his cup for Juyeon to take it, smiling briefly at him before disappearing around the corner of the living room. 

⚬

Juyeon sits in the far corner of the coffee shop, next to the window, watching people passing by as they talk on the phone, smiling at the ones they are walking with, kids running ahead and their mother yelling after them to stop. The woman waving a car down, a small child smiling at him as he catches Juyeon stare, the chime above the door when someone enters, the smell of fresh coffee filling the place. 

It started raining the moment he stepped inside. He will have to stay here until it stops. 

He checks his phone, sighing when the notification is still on the screen. Youngjae texted him 10 minutes ago, but Juyeon still doesn’t have the power to check what the message is about. 

“You’ve been looking at it like it’s cursed or something.”

Juyeon looks up at Hyunjoon and watches as he sits down on the other side of the table, throwing his bag on the seat carelessly. Raising a brow while looking at Juyeon, Hyunjoon inspects him with a curious stare before leaning back in his seat. His hair is wet from the rain, Juyeon watches as the water drops run down his neck before disappearing under his shirt, making the white material almost transparent. 

“What is it?”

“Hmm?” Juyeon tears his eyes away from Hyunjoon’s collarbone before it becomes uncomfortable for the both of them. 

“Why have you suddenly wanted us to meet? Trouble in paradise again?” he smirks but it holds no power and Juyeon thinks that at this point it just comes automatically to him. Probably to show his partial interest or concern in the topic of the conversation. 

“I didn’t want to stay home in case Youngjae decides to visit again.”

“Again?” his eyes widen for a millisecond before the lines of his face even out.

“Yeah, he’s back. He’s been for a month or so. I don’t know how he found out where I live, but yesterday he showed up and started accusing me of never giving him a chance to explain himself.”

“And you? What did you do?” he asks, his voice calm without accusation. 

“I told him that it’s none of his business, that even if he wants to apologize he’s already too late and that I’ve moved on and don’t need him to save me,” and he barely gets to feel proud of himself when Hyunjoon shuts it down.

“You overreacted.”

It’s like a slap to the face. The cruelest way to say that _you’re wrong_.

“I mean, in my opinion. Wouldn’t it have been better if you just walked past him without a word? By acting like that, you acknowledged him, which he will take as a sign of defeat from your part,” he takes a sip from his iced water before continuing. “Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t blame you for overreacting. I just simply said it like an opinion and you know pretty well what are opinions so I won’t go into detail. But I guess that’s not the whole story.”

Juyeon for once in his life is left without words. And he’s pretty sure that it’s written all over his face by the way Hyunjoon looks patiently at him to talk. But he can’t. 

“Juyeon, you know that I said it because that’s how I would have reacted to him. But I’m not familiar with the pain he had caused you, so please don’t think about it too much,” he says, extending his hand, palms up as he waits for him to place his own into them. “Hey, look at me. The way you reacted even if I think that it was too much, it’s totally common when faced with someone toxic that you have cut out from your life.”

Juyeon realizes that he’s right; that he reacted out of impulse and fear of getting hurt again and also most probably it was unnecessary to do it that way. Still, the fear of getting hurt was bigger than thinking reasonably. And how glad he is for doing that because if he wouldn’t have done it that way, the situation between him and Hyunjae wouldn’t change for the better. 

“I think for the amount of information you have about the situation that’s an understandable opinion, but you’re missing at least half of it.”

“You jerk, making me worried that I was too harsh on you,” he says, distress finally slipping from his face. “What happened after?”

“You remember when you came over after I skipped our revision class?”

“And cried yourself emotionless? Yeah, I do remember.”

“Before that day, he was ignoring me for at least a week. I don’t know what I have said to him, but he suddenly was avoiding me to the point where he even woke up earlier just to not meet me in the hallway,” he says, remembering all those mornings when he deliberately stayed back a couple of minutes when hearing their voices from the outside. “And I found it weird because he was the one who came to me after we had an argument which we have talked about since, and I don’t remember saying anything back then that could have caused him to distance himself from me.”

“Wait, I don’t follow. What was the argument about?”

“He thought that we are taking things too fast,” he says, blush spreading over his face at the memory. 

“Too fast? Wait. Don’t tell me that you’ve already done it with him!” and even though his voice is low, the girl who walks past their table hears it and chuckles while winking at Juyeon. 

“No! I mean yes we’ve done it, but that happened after! We were just messing around a little at that time.”

“Juyeon. I know that you’re not a prude, so be more specific here because the last I checked messing around can go from a few kisses and touches to actual sexual intercourse. And don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t think that he would have freaked out about kissing you.”

“I gave him a handjob after he got me off.”

“And that got him freaked out? I mean I can understand him, but still.”

“I also let him mark me.”

“I still don’t see the problem.”

“He divorced a month ago.”

And it’s like suddenly everything makes sense not just to Hyunjoon, but to Juyeon too. Those words spoken out loud make the silence settle around them and Hyunjae’s behavior makes perfect sense now. 

“And you two have already … “ he doesn’t finish it, the situation is too sensible for those words.

“Yeah, we have and I regret it.”

“Has he done something to you?”

“I was the one doing things to him, but it was consensual,” he stops to look at Hyunjoon with a small, almost disheartened smile on his lips. Juyeon feels pathetic. “I say it like that but it doesn’t make it any better or different. Honestly, it’s just too fucked up.”

“Let me get this right. You fooled around a bit and he said that you’re moving too fast, that’s what you two argued about. Then you said something which made him keep his distance from you and after that, I guess you,” here he makes a vague gesture with his hand, and Juyeon nods. “And all that happened before I came over. Did something happen between that and yesterday when Youngjae showed up?”

“No.”

“But are the two of you okay now? You and …”

“Hyunjae. Yeah, we are. Managed to talk about it like adults.”

Hyunjoon nods and the conversation dies between them. Juyeon doesn’t want to overshare and Hyunjoon is probably not interested in every single detail, though he keeps looking at him from time to time, before Juyeon can ask him he turns his attention elsewhere.

⚬

Juyeon watches Iseul sleeping soundlessly between Hyunjae’s arms, a blanket thrown over her small frame. She was reluctant to leave them alone, so Hyunjae let her sit with them - their conversation long forgotten. 

“How was your day?” Juyeon looks up from his intertwined fingers at Hyunjae, but he’s not looking at him, stare lost on the old building that towers over them from the other side of the street. 

“Uneventful. Met up with a friend, but besides that, it was quite ordinary.”

“The friend that you got over last time? The one with the piercing eyes.”

“How do you know him?”

“I don’t know him. I just saw him at your apartment right after you left in the morning. I wanted to apologize to you right after but before I could have the chance he was there and I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Juyeon doesn’t know if he should be worried by the fact that Hyunjae knows about Hyunjoon or he should feel relieved that Hyunjae had the intention to apologize to him right after everything happened. Should he curse his luck or should he be grateful for how things keep happening around him?

“Yeah, I was with him. He’s my only close friend, well I honestly think that we are past the stage of friends -” and just as he speaks the words does he realizes how wrong they sound. “He’s the only one who I have been with since the breakup. He is,” Juyeon shuts his mouth, the reasons getting stuck on his lips. He wants to talk about it, but he doesn’t want to hurt the other. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Remember that you don’t have to tell me things you are not comfortable sharing, okay?” Hyunjae’s voice is barely above a whisper and when Juyeon looks at him, he catches his eyes in the middle, expression soft and calm.

“I kissed him after I left your place _that_ morning.”

He sees how the confusion distorts his face for a second before his lips stretch into a tired smile. 

“You’re not mad?”

“Do you want me to be?”

“No.”

“I'm maybe a little bit jealous of him for that short moment, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Thank you for telling me, I know you try really hard to not hurt me, but it’s partially my fault, after all, I was the one pushing you away. And he was there to comfort you, so maybe I should be thankful to him for being by your side when I couldn’t.”

“I’m still feeling guilty because of it.”

“That’s totally understandable, but I’m not mad at you, I could never be.”

“Do you promise to tell me if you are?”

He chuckles, holding out his pinky, and waits till Juyeon links them together to seal it. Hyunjae brings them to his lips and the shiver that runs through his body as the warm breath against his cold hand, makes him tremble, but he can’t take his eyes from him. 

“I promise,” he whispers before kissing his knuckles gently, eyes shining bright when their gazes meet. 


	9. HJ: Sweet Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juyeon moves beautifully under Hyunjae's touch.

Hyunjae watches the gentle dance of light and shadow over the still unmade bed, soft hues of orange and lavender cover the side where the sheets show the imprint of Juyeon’s body. He left a couple of minutes ago, in a hurry to catch the bus, leaving Hyunjae with a sleepy smile and a feather-light kiss on his cheek. He still feels the warmth of his lips over his skin, a funny feeling bouncing around in his chest when he realizes he had unconsciously brought his fingers to where it slightly tingles. 

It’s barely seven in the morning, the bed pulling him back into its soft emptiness - but it’s probably cold by now, and without Juyeon’s body to keep him warm, Hyunjae stays curled up on the window seat, waiting patiently until the minutes pass for him to wake Iseul up. 

He thinks about how the last week passed in a blur, yet all he can remember is how he waked up in the middle of the night every single time Juyeon tucked himself under the covers, arms snaking across his waist as he kissed the nape of his neck before falling asleep. And how Hyunjae stayed up after that for minutes, turning on his side to look at him for a couple of silent minutes. 

It’s almost inexplicable how easily and fast has Juyeon became a part of their life. He’s there when Hyunjae wakes up, and when Iseul falls asleep. They go shopping together and Juyeon helps with making dinner when he takes breaks from studying. He brings Joy over sometimes to keep Iseul distracted when Hyunjae presses him to the kitchen counter, kissing him breathless. He makes them breakfast in the morning and sometimes has lunch with Hyunjae when the monotone buzz of the office becomes too much. 

But what is probably the most enigmatic for him to grasp is how quickly he adapted to the shades and forms of Hyunjae. How he molds around his body without being suffocating. How he knows exactly where and how to touch to not throw him off and make everything uncomfortable. Because he understands that it’s not easy. _And it’s never going to be easy for them._

But Juyeon stays. He stays through the night with his arms curled around Hyunjae - sweet words whispered into his ear when he wakes up, lips lingering over his skin as he waits for his permission to touch. Burrowing his face into the crook of Hyunjae’s neck after, nipping at the fine line of his jaw and shoulder, leaving a trail of kisses across his unblemished skin, filling his lungs with the scent of Hyunjae’s skin. 

“ _I love it_. It reminds me of my mother’s kitchen. _White pepper and orange._ ”

⚬

Juyeon is studying in the living room when Hyunjae returns home with Iseul in his shadow. She leaves him in the doorway and runs towards him, hugging him by the neck as she whispers in his ear. Juyeon laughs, turning towards her, threading his fingers through her hair that falls over her shoulder in soft waves like silk, his other hand on the small of her back, thumb drawing circles absentmindedly into the folds of her dress. 

Joy is curled on the sofa, watching them lazily from the comfort of Juyeon’s hoodie. Hyunjae notices the single key on the corner of the table - the one he left under the mat for Juyeon to use when there’s no one home to let him in or when they have already gone to sleep. He knows that it’s no use in dwelling on it too much, - he should give it to the younger. _Like a symbol of letting him even closer to them._

Hyunjae closes the door behind himself, both of them looking up at him from across the room. Juyeon’s lips pull into a warm smile and melts Hyunjae with his words.

_“Welcome home.”_

That funny feeling from this morning is back, it tightens his chest and the warmth of it blooms in his rib cage. He has never experienced this emotion, but he knows for sure that this is what people call _love._ It tingles. Burns; running fast through his whole body like wildfire before settling on the high of his cheekbone, on the tip of his fingers, in the depth of his stomach, and in the middle of his chest. Juyeon’s smile widens and the flames burn higher inside of him. 

“I’m home,” he says, and if the edge of his voice shakes, Juyeon doesn’t notice it. 

“How was your day?”

They sit at the opposite ends of the kitchen table, cups full of steaming tea before them as they keep looking at each other, their fingers intertwined in the middle. Hyunjae shrugs, thumb smoothing over Juyeon’s knuckles as his smile distorts with faked annoyance. 

“Boring. Nothing out of ordinary. Yours?”

“Boring. Nothing out of ordinary,” he repeats the words, smile evident in his voice as he lowers his head to hide his face from Hyunjae.

“Hmm.”

He turns Juyeon’s hand over, running his fingers across his palm, chuckling when Juyeon can barely hold himself back from shrieking when Hyunjae keeps tickling his palm. He finally looks at him, a delicate pale red settling under his sparkling obsidian eyes as he watches him pull his hand closer to his lips - holding his breath back when Hyunjae kisses his knuckles before letting Juyeon’s fingertips dance tenderly across his lower lip. 

“So, it was boring.”

“Yeah. Couldn’t stop thinking about coming back home.”

Hyunjae stands up abruptly, letting Juyeon’s hand fall onto the table, passing him by but leaving a warm hand on his shoulder as he peeks out from the kitchen to find Iseul soundlessly sleeping on the sofa with the kitten curled into a small ball next to her head as the TV keeps playing the animation in the background. 

He turns back, leaning down to cradle Juyeon’s face in his hands before kissing him. The younger reacts fast, and he has to chuckle again how desperately his hands search for something to hold on to, opening his lips under Hyunjae’s tongue like it’s the most natural thing to do, sighing into the kiss.

It’s late. The night settling over gently, light breeze slipping through the slightly opened window together with the low chatter coming from down the street. The sky turns into a gorgeous shade of indigo as the sun bleeds into the horizon. It’s oddly quiet, but it’s the most calm it has been in days. 

Juyeon pulls back from Hyunjae, lips a shiny dark scarlet, trying to catch his breath while never letting him go, hands firm on his waist, fingers hooked into the waistband. 

“I missed you,” is what he whispers against Hyunjae’s lips before diving back in, licking desperately into his mouth, pulling him closer by the hold on his waist. It’s sweet and nothing like his first one, the rush and a bite of impatience are the same, but the feeling isn’t. This one feels safe. This one is like the excitement one feels when finally seeing someone dear after a long time, the cold air biting into the skin as they run to hug them, to reach them as soon as possible, to finally feel loved again. 

The way Juyeon kisses him now is how being loved should feel like. 

“I missed you too, baby.”

⚬

It’s around 3 AM on a Friday morning when Hyunjae wakes up to Juyeon curling up under the blankets, cold fingers slipping under his shirt as they settle on his stomach. 

“Hyung?” he asks timidly, voice low. He knows that Hyunjae isn’t sleeping by the way his nails sink softly into the flesh to get his full attention. 

“Hmm?”

“Can we do something together to celebrate that I’m going to be finally done with my exams tomorrow?” he asks and as a subtle indication, he pushes his hips forward, breathing loud in his ear. Hyunjae moans loud because he’s too tired to hold himself back, loving how Juyeon has to bite down on his shoulder to muffle the growl he lets out when he pushes his hip back on him. 

“We can. We can do _anything_ you want.”

“Can you - ” and he mouths the rest of the sentence into Hyunjae’s neck, sending a shiver down his spine as his teeth scrape over his pulse. “I want to feel you inside me _so bad_.”

Hyunjae turns towards him, letting his hands fall on the small of his back as he tucks an inky lock behind Juyeon’s ear, pulling it with enough power to make the younger turn his head. He leans in, lips close to his ear as his hand slides down his chest, slipping under his t-shirt. 

“Careful with your words, _kitten_. You might not have to wait until the end of your exam,” he whispers dangerously low, chuckling when the muscle jumps under the touch of his hand, Juyeon biting down on his lips to swallow the groan. “But we can’t let that happen, right?”

Juyeon shakes his head, to agree or disagree, Hyunjae doesn’t know, but the exhilaration coiling around like white smoke fucks with his mind, and he growls into Juyeon’s ear when the other pushes his hand lower, where he’s desperate to be touched. 

“If you won’t behave, you won’t get anything.”

“No, no, no. Please, no, don’t do this to me. I’ve been good this whole time,” he whines loudly, pushing Hyunjae’s hands even lower.

“Believe me when I say that you’ve been nothing but the best, don’t ruin it by being impatient,” he bites out, pulling his hand away from Juyeon. “I can’t have you limping into your exam tomorrow morning because you were too damn desperate for it."

“But I’ve been - ”

“I know that you’ve been a good boy, and good boys get what they deserve for being on their best behavior, but you have to wait only for a _little longer, baby._ Can you do that? Can you wait for a little bit longer?”

Under his lust-filled daze, he can relate to Juyeon’s misery of getting denied being touched, but he won’t let him get what he wants. 

“Can you do that, baby?” he asks again, his fingers under Juyeon’s head, turning him towards him. “I know you can.”

Juyeon blinks back the tears pooling in the corner of his eyes, frustration, and shame shining clear in them as he nods.

“Good. Come here,” and pulls him close by the nape of his neck, pushing his head into the crook of his neck, playing gently with the ends of his hair. “Calm down and try to sleep for a bit,” he whispers into his ear, smiling when Juyeon exhales loudly, burrowing his face further, arm tight around his back. 

⚬

Hyunjae wakes up to an empty bed, the ringing of the alarm bouncing around intensively inside the room. He sighs frustrated, throwing an arm across his face as his other hand twists into the already _cold_ bedsheets. _When did he leave?_

He searches for his phone, shutting the alarm off before taking a look at the time, and without further thinking, he calls Juyeon’s. Five rings in and he’s ready to put it down when Juyeon answers the call.

“Why did you left so early?”

The line stays silent on the other end for a few seconds, and Hyunjae can hear the distant sound as a door gets closed.

“You told me to behave. Fuck, you can’t even imagine how little you have to do to have me on my knees. I can never be still around you. You push me off my axis and I let myself fall without trying to get back.”

“What are you talking a - ”

“You make me go fucking insane. So please, please put down the phone before I decide to fail this exam on purpose just to get back earlier.”

Hyunjae drops the phone immediately after he ends the call. To have Juyeon lust after him so much is something he can’t decide if it’s wrong or right - because either way it makes him dizzy with a different kind of heat spiraling inside his body until it coils heavily in his stomach. 

_Wrong - because he shouldn’t feel this way. Right - because it feels absolutely amazing._

He thinks about it for minutes until his attention gets caught as the door creaks open, Iseul peeking from behind it. Her hair is a mess, the imprint of the pillow softening her face, brown eyes still hazy. 

“Come here, love,” he speaks the words softly, stretching his arm out as if reaching for her. She doesn’t need to be told twice, getting on the bed relatively quickly as she plops down next to him, her tiny fingers holding into his. “Did you sleep well?”

Hyunjae gets only an affirmative nod of the head. She blinks slowly, yawning as she rubs at her eyes before letting her head fall as her eyes stay closed. He laughs, gently pulling her closer by the arm around her back, letting her cuddle into his side, small fingers twisting into the material of his shirt as he idly plays with her hair. 

“I decided to give us ten extra minutes. What do you think about that?” But Iseul’s already fast asleep, her warm breath spreading fast over his body, the gentle rhythm of the rise and fall of her body lulls Hyunjae back to sleep too. 

⚬

After an unpleasant and completely unnecessary argument, Hyunjae finally takes his day off with the promise of going back on the weekend to get his part of the work done. He will manage somehow. _Somehow he always does._

He’s waiting at the red light, fingers drumming on the wheel impatiently for it to change, when his phones chimes three times quickly. Hyunjae eyes it before turning back to look at the still red light above them and reaches across the seat to check the notifications. 

They are all from Juyeon. 

**[10:03] JUYEON:** i’ve been good. can i have my reward now?

The next one is an image. With him spayed out on Hyunjae’s still unmade bed, ruffling his hair while wearing that one oversized pastel pink hoodie he knows that it’s Hyunjae’s favorite on him. 

The next one is an audio message. It’s only a few seconds long, so Hyunjae brings it close to his ear as he quickly checks again if the light is still red.

_“Why aren’t you here yet?”_ he asks, voice ragged and the car fills with his loud moans, making Hyunjae almost drop his phone when a tremble washes across his whole body at the sudden sweet sounds. 

He almost tears the front door out of its place when it dawns on him that this is something serious and he’s not just a sex-crazed teenager ready to have a good fuck. 

This is about Juyeon. Juyeon, who is saving his life day after day only by simply being next to him, smiling at Hyunjae like it’s the easiest thing to do even though he’s not a pleasant presence, caring for him like it’s his job when it’s not, _loving him like it would mean something when it really doesn’t._

Juyeon. With his shining inky hair and daring undercut. With his cat-like smile and crescent eyes; warm ebony orbs and prominent cheekbones. 

Juyeon. Who towers slightly over him, yet looks like the most fragile china Hyunjae has ever seen when he feels vulnerable. And _that_ Juyeon is in his bed right now, impatiently waiting to be rewarded by Hyunjae. 

Hyunjae closes the door firmly behind himself, his steps loud in the almost empty apartment. The door to his room is wide open and he can see Juyeon’s long legs flexing, the golden of his skin a pretty contrast to the white surrounding him. As he gets closer, his ears catch the small breathy sounds filling the room. 

“Hyunjae - ”

He has loved the sound of his name on Juyeon’s lips from the first time. Now he thinks that there’s no prettier sound in the world than Juyeon whimpering as he chants his name like a prayer. 

“I’m here, baby.”

Juyeon turns his head to the side, their gaze meeting in the middle as his hips stop moving for a second. His already hooded eyes spark with realization and he reaches a hand out towards him.

“Were you so impatient that you couldn’t wait until I come back?” he asks, sitting down on the bed, hands running along the long line of his leg, brushing gently over the curve of his ass before settling in his naked waist. “What did you do to yourself while waiting for me?”

Juyeon collects the remainings of his dignity, turning away from him as he sits up on the bed, spreading his legs wide, opening himself completely to Hyunjae. 

“Fingered myself dumb while thinking of you, so would you please just fuck me already. Please. _Pretty pretty please,_ ” and if that wouldn’t have been enough, he takes Hyunjae by the wrist and guides his fingers inside himself, letting them slide smoothly into the stretched out, wet heat before clenching down on them. 

Hyunjae bites down on a hiss as his fingers get sucked deeper until his knuckles get caught on the rim. He’s three fingers in but it’s not enough to make Juyeon fazed. He moves them in and out a few times, scissoring to stretch the muscles further but all it gets is a frustrated sigh from Juyeon before he clenches down on them again. 

“I need something bigger than your fingers, _hyung -_ ” and he chokes on a moan when Hyunjae bends his fingers to brush against that sweet sweet spot inside him. 

“Anything for you, baby boy.” 

He pulls his fingers out, wiping them into his shirt before taking it off together with his jeans and underwear before kneeling comfortably between Juyeon’s legs, hands hooking under his knees as he pulls him closer, letting the younger fall back onto the bed. 

Juyeon wraps his fingers around his half-hard cock, but Hyunjae stops him.

“You’ve done everything, baby. It’s my turn. Just enjoy the show,” he whispers before taking the bottle of lube from between the bedsheets, coating his fingers with a generous amount but stops to look at Juyeon as he rips the package open with his teeth, rolling the condom down on his cock with skilled fingers. 

“Please, just don’t tease me,” he begs prettily, falling back into the bed as he pulls his legs to his chest with his hands on the back of his knees. 

“You’re really something else, huh.”

Hyunjae coats himself with a few fast jerks of his wrist before pulling Juyeon’s legs around his waist, hand on his ass as he slides inside into the soft, wet heat of Juyeon’s body. He looks for any sign of Juyeon being uncomfortable, but when he tightens his muscles around Hyunjae once again, it’s a clear command and he grins, pulling almost entirely out before slamming back in, hitting Juyeon’s prostate directly, sending the younger into an incoherent loud mess. 

“Is this what you wanted, kitten?” he asks, keeping his thrusts hard and fast, rocking Juyeon’s body higher on the bed as he desperately clings onto Hyunjae’s waist, moving his hips to the rhythm of his thrusts. “Next time I’m going to take my sweet time prepping you. Going to make you come from only my fingers in your cute tight hole. Okay, baby?” 

Juyeon nods helplessly, fingers twisting tight into the pillow under his head, lips open in a silent scream when Hyunjae fastens his pace as he dives in deeper and harder. Hyunjae wraps his fingers around his neglected cock, jerking him off to the rhythm of his thrust, and the way Juyeon’s whole body clenches on him when he comes sends him over the edge too. 

He fucks him through their orgasms, sliding carefully out when the high ceases before letting Juyeon’s legs drop gently. 

“Can we go for a second round?” he jokes as he ties the condom, tossing it off. 

Juyeon smiles at him, pushing his sweaty hair off his face.

“I want you to eat me out,” he says, his voice and breath ragged, chest heaving. He gets on his knees in front of Hyunjae, looking at him from under his lashes as he wraps his hand around his softening cock. “But before that, I want to choke on it.”


End file.
